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Reviews of movies I haven’t seen: first installment

Welcome to the first installment in the award*-winning series “Reviews of Movies I haven’t seen.” I’m not planning to watch these films soon, or even ever, but I’m nonetheless committed to sniffing out those few recommendation-worthy winners for any potential viewers who might need that voice of reason — that literary divining rod** — to guide them in the right direction.

** I’m talking about me

Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead (released Apr. 1, Limited)

I was disappointed when I realized this was not the Bruce Vilanch biopic that the world has been waiting for, but a documentary about one Australian man (see: fat) with an autoimmune disease that makes him overweight (and almost entirely in the stomach. To be honest he’s not even THAT fat. By ‘that’ I mean enough to merit a 90 minute documentary. The fattest man in the world only got a one hour TLC special and a nod from Guinness Book of World records. I mean helloo people, he was 1,000 pounds and selling jeans from his apartment where he was bedridden. Now that’s something I need to see on the “big” screen. eh? eh??) I was expecting a film that would feature grainy candid photo stills overlaid with emotional music to create pathos out of man sitting on a couch in his sweatpants, (though it looks like there might be a little bit of that) but instead it’s another link in a chain of inspiro-docs that might gain its star a spot on Oprah. Despite what Ebert might say (e.g. “This movie’s gonna be HUGE!”) it looks like you might just want to stay home and eat your own popcorn for free.

Your Highness (release: Apr. 8, Theaters everywhere)

Special effects abound in this celebrity-worship movie that’ll play host to occasionally legitimate/quality camerawork (see: sweeping landscape shots, fight scenes) and then a nice extended dialogue about who farted. Directed by that guy who directed Pineapple Express comes a stoner flick set in the magical middle ages featuring Danny McBride, James Franco, Zooey Deschanel and Natalie Portman. Re-establishing Franco and Portman’s reputations as beautiful people, the movie is sure to be chock full to the brim(stone(r)) of farts, boners, sex and ‘no-homo’ humor that will delight both 14 and 44 year old boys alike. It follows in the tradition of thematic movies like “Year One” and even “Fish Tale” that fall back on the ever-reliable humorous juxtapositions of poorly researched referential jokes against today’s world (e.g. using a dragon’s firebreath to light a bong*) McBride holds the film down as the only legitimate comic relief**, while Deschanel tries to convince audiences once again that she should be typecast as that cutesy art chick whose self-caricature can transcend both time (this movie) and space (Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy).

* no idea if this actually happens, but I bet that dragon’s gonna get sooo stoned
**not to forget the requisite ugly and/or bizarre side characters that never fail to provide those “awkward!” moments that somehow qualify as clever humor in today’s wide-distribution feature films

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