Net: Has anyone realized that if Minnesota was inhabited by Greeks instead of Germans and Norwegians, we’d be going to school in Minneapoulos?
WOOF
From Phlegm of Discontent: I just got a new dog last week. As far as I can tell, he’s a mutt with more mass than me. I named him Fenris-wolf. Net: When they allow us to get a dog (we have to get our shots first), we plan to name him Mac Dienhart. Then we will kick him for no good reason. We play fetch — I throw a stick, he stares at it and growls. He saved Timmy from a burning barn. And, like all dogs, he’s a chick magnet. Net: It’s probably the fleas. The only drawback is he spends most of his time urinating submissively. I guess he sees every animate object as the alpha-male of his pack. Net: Likewise, we’ve always admired the leadership qualities of stoplights. He’d be the perfect dog for Al Gore, who is neither animate nor an alpha-male. Unfortunately, this rules out my plans of breeding a super-intelligent race of dog-borgs. Net: Chasing cars is futile. You will be vaccinated. Anyway, to get to the point, such that it isn’t, I brought Fenris to class with me as a guard dog — a lot of people seem to have something against me. Net: It’s probably the fleas. As usual, he urinated submissively, more so since this was a large class. The professor was upset for some reason and tried to get me to take my dog out of the classroom. So Fenris bit him, and now I’ve got this huge lawsuit on my hands. Net: And Fenris has a GIGGLE
huge chunka ass in his. Would anybody like a dog? He’s well-trained and housebroken. Net: Perhaps you could hand him off to Dienhart or Boston. Those two could probably use a friend or two these days.
From John R. Carter: I would first like to say thank you to Loosey for her wonderful comments on my article and my looks. Net: You should have seen him. He was prancing around the newsroom like a horny little schoolgirl. Pitiful. I would then like to thank Net for recognizing that I am tall. Net: You know what they say about tall guys … big feet. Third, I would again like to remind all you students — especially the cute single female types — that there are plenty of good seats still available to see the Gophs beat up the Hoosiers on Saturday. Net: Indeed, there tends to be a radius of “good seats” surrounding Dr. Carter everywhere he goes. It’s probably the fleas. I encourage you all to come over to my seats and say hi to me and my roommate Doogie (From KFAN, not the hospital). Net: Keep an eye out for a gangly freak and an ear out for a voice heavy on the nasal. That is all. See you there!
From Peewee — On Injured Reserve Due To A Duane Clemons Punch To The Gonads: Oh, Lime Taco, you silly, stupid bastard. If you ever bothered to look past the stereotypes spoon-fed you by TV and Net: Other frat boys and copies of “Animal House,” you would know that your characterization of the greek system was wrong. Net: Except, of course, when it was right. Fact is, we greeks have been having anonymous sex with so many people for such a long time now that we are all immune to any VD that exists in the human arena, and even a couple that are limited largely to farm animals and football players. Net: Which, in some states, get pretty equal amounts of action. Sometimes from each other. Not only that, but we can also survive nuclear fall-out due to having wallowed in phrat-house filth for so many years. Net: Much in the same way, many frat folks are seemingly unaffected by attempts at hygiene. It is we phrat boys who, along with the cockroaches Net: And the fleas, shall inherit the Earth after Armageddon. Net: Sorry we won’t be around for that rager. You can’t kill us — unless you flood our stomachs with bad Tequila, which is our version of Kryptonite. Anyway, your entry on Thursday was kinda funny in a third-grade, blowing-raspberries-at-the-teachers-back sort of way, but it would be nice if you randoms could understand your subject before you tease it, CRASH
Net: This philosophy is unnecessary when it comes to picking on freshpeople. only then will you be truly witty and insightful — much like a certain Gary Trudeau comic strip that was unjustly booted from BackTalk. Net: No comment.
From Vondoogenheimer: Lately, I’ve seen a lot of people bitching about the lack of new topics in Network, but nobody has given any suggestions. Net: There’s a word for that. It’s called “Democracy.” So here it goes. … I would like to hear what other people think of the traffic etiquette on the highways and byways of the Twin Cities, namely minivan behavior. I will start with this question: Do stupid people buy minivans, or do minivans make people stupid? Net: We’ve got to go with the former. Stupidity is indisputably present when a middle-aged man climbs behind the wheel of a Caravan and thinks to himself, “Baby, this is one sweet ride.” Because the drivers of these pregnant station-wagons are invariably stupid. Is there some reason why minivans can’t merge at speeds greater than 45 mph? Net: Some vehicles have something called “horsepower.” We believe minivans run on a very complex propulsion system co-opted from the old Mousetrap game. Can someone tell me why they feel the need to drive in the left lane 10 mph slower than the rest of us? Net: Lefty loosey righty tighty? I wonder if good ‘ol Jesse could be talked into working on a bill to ban these eyesores from the freeways. I would like to hear anyone’s answers to these questions — except for minivan drivers; you don’t count.
