RABID RANTSNet: …

RABID RANTS
Net: Well, folks, we can all rest easier.

From S.R.: About the public service announcement on Buster, the dog who bit the 4-year-old girl; I believe they found him, and he was not rabid. So the little girl doesn’t have to get rabies shots after all. (I heard it on the news the other night.) Net: Thank God — oops. We might be getting presumptuous, judging from some of our entries today.
The second thing, about those damn mall preachers — can’t they find anything better to do with their time instead of standing in the middle of Northrop mall and yelling at the top of their lungs that the only “right thing” to do in this world is follow them and what they are preaching? Net: You would think that the least thing they could go is finish their Ph.D.s so they could yell at people to follow them while everyone’s in the comfy confines of air-conditioned classrooms.
I don’t pay tuition to this institution of “higher learning” to listen to them. Net: You don’t pay tuition to hear Snoop Doggy Dogg blasting from Fraternity Row, either. But it’s part of the package.
Personally, I find it extremely irritating, especially when I am sitting outside in the grass trying to study and get some fresh air. I am aware of the First Amendment rights to free speech, but what about our rights Net: You have the right to remain silent. Should you choose not to remain silent … — we have a right to not have to put up with them telling us about what’s right and wrong. What about that little notion of keeping church and state (should I say school here?) separate? They obviously do not believe in that.
There have been plenty of instances where I have wanted to go up to them and tell them to shut their traps because not many people are listening (or really give a damn about) to what they have to preach. Net: But then you’d have to go to all the intro classes and do the same thing. After reading what The Active Pacifist said about religion and abuse, I believe this is really an abuse of religion.
To any of you mall preachers who might read this: Net: We have to admit — although our readership is incredibly diverse, we’re not sure the mall preachers are a part of it. Go do your preaching in a church where people might actually listen to you (and give a damn) instead of out on Northrop Mall Net: But isn’t every place a house of the Lord?, here at the University of Minnesota.

From Pissed off at the God Guy on the Mall: To the mall preachers — you suck!! Net: As you can all tell, we’re sure, this entry is about to sweep us up in its insight and subtle argumentation. First of all, you rant and rave about how I’m going to hell.
Well, I don’t know much about the Bible and church stuff, but I know that according to most religions, if you’re not of that particular religion, you’re going to hell. Net: Except, of course, in all the religions that don’t have hell in them, which would only include the religions followed by about two-thirds of the planet’s inhabitants. But please, continue. So I guess everyone in the world is going to hell, including you, mall preachers. See, if there really is a God Net: Then this letter would end, (I haven’t decided yet) Net: Guess we have to be atheists now you’d think that he’s generally content with most humans and other creatures. Net: And, of course, he’s male. Look at it like this, mall preachers — God is like your moms Net: Which is why we refer to him in the masculine, we guess, she gets pissed at you for doing stupid things, but will always love you. She’ll help you out, unless you do something real stupid.
So, God guys, why don’t you shut the $#* up and let me look at all the pretty girls on the Mall with out being distracted by your sorry ass. Net: Right! A stunning point drawn inevitably from the preceding arguments! This isn’t a logic paper, is it?
Oh yeah, one more thing, is it just me or does anyone else notice that everyone laughs as they walk by this anti-Christ superstar? Net: We haven’t. But, if you would be so kind as to freely identify yourself as the author of this letter while wearing the Marilyn Manson T-shirt we know you own, we’re sure you can add merriment to several people’s days. And that’s why we’re here — to spread good cheer.
And never fear. A new letter’s near.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
From She Who is So Frazzled and Forgetful: On Tuesday, at approximately 2 p.m., I left a black CD case in Ford 150.
It has perhaps 18 CDs in it. It is neither still in the room nor in the lost and found in Ford 355. I hope this means some good Samaritan picked it up Net: Sorry. No Samaritans allowed until the coast is cleared of mall preachers and is just wondering how to return it to me. Or, perhaps it was picked up by a not-so-good Samaritan who at least does not have the same taste in music as me (which is quite likely – Nirvana, sure, but not “The Red Star Red Army Chorus Sings Russian Folk Music,” AND Beethoven AND Sami traditional music AND ragtime AND homemade CDs of a friend’s band) Net: So THAT’s where NITWIT’s CDs went. Watch out, Frazzled, we have your name. And we WILL report you, you pesky little thief and would be willing to return the case with most of the CDs still inside to Ford 355. Some of these CDs (this is cheesy, I’m sure) have important emotional significance to me and are virtually irreplaceable. Net: The Red Star chorus, especially. It always makes us remember our tough days defending Stalingrad from the Nazis — or was it the preachers? Or maybe it was the squirrels?
Thanks, O Wise and Giving Net. Net: No problem. We’re firm believers that what goes around comes around, so we’ll be happy to help you out. And please — help us out. We need debates! Debates! Let us know your thoughts. You know the drill — write in.
And write on!