SIMPSON SECRETS
From PeeWee: Member ##1473 of the Ralph Wiggum fan club since August of 1997: Net: Did you get the decoder ring? Radioactive Man, it seems, is not the Simpson aficionado he claims. Net: Are you saying he talks the talk, but cannot walk the walk? If he were, he would know that the Simpsons do NOT reside in Nebraska. Aside from the fact that such Springfield geographic features as the “Alkali Flats” and the “Murderhorn” could not exist in the flat farmland of the Cornhusker State, we already know where Springfield is because they TOLD US. That’s right, if you had watched the last season finale, “The Simpsons; Behind the Laughter” you would have heard the announcer say, Net: Announcer? That was Phil Hartman, you insolent freak. Have some respect. and I quote; “So what does the future hold for this west Tennessee clan?” Furthermore, if you look closer at the abbreviation that Homer put on the form, you’ll notice that it is “NT” and not “NE.” NT of course, stands for North Tennessee, Net: Of course. North, west, what’s the difference? though why he felt he needed to make that distinction I’m not sure, but, then again, he is Homer, which explains much. Plus, according to an online almanac of the United States, there is a Springfield in both Tennessee and Nebraska. Net: As well as the other 48 states, and probably in Guam and American Samoa as well. However, there is no “Shelbyville” in Nebraska, but there is one in, you guessed it, Tennessee. ‘Nuff said. Net: Also if you were ever to visit the city of Portland, Ore., which is the area of the country where Matt Groening, founder of the Simpsons, was raised, you will notice the city boasts such street names as Lovejoy, Flanders, and Burnside. This is not a coincidence.
POSTCARDS FROM
THE EDGE
From Dr. Gives: You know, Network, I’m not trying to impose here, but what do you do when you’re raised Catholic, completely neurotic, and are forced to see everything in terms of God and Satan? Net: Go see “Coyote Ugly?” Then you’ll really understand the mischievous, conniving ways of Satan, Lord of the Underworld. The only trick I’ll ever have up my sleeve is writing you these letters (and a lil’ psychic aikido). Net: With Billy Blanks. You see, I love everybody, Net: Everyone, eh? Do you fancy yourself as being a “compassionate conservative?” but (really), what’s a po’ boy to do? I feel I have an ethereal connection to the almighty Network. If I remember correctly, I think I met my soul mate in the hallowed halls of the U (or is it Y-O-U) Net: Our halls are far from hallowed, young man. and was subsequently labeled a cyberstalker (charges I cannot deny, but will not accept), and pleasantly asked to leave town (which I, of course, did). Net: Leave it to Net to voice the concerns of ostracized felons. Yes, I experienced instant karma at it’s finest. When you’re an adopted Catholic lad, and all you can dig is girls, girls, rock ‘n’ roll music and bein’ the shiest of the shy…and every prospective soul mate you meet may be your long lost sister, Net: Don’t laugh, readers. It happened to Oedipus (sort of). I guess you just deserve it. Hey, all I’m askin’ for is a little forgiveness. Net: Forgiveness, eh? Perhaps “compassionate conservatism” is what you’re looking for? Only 150 executed! P.S. — My Magic 8-ball says you are a superstar. Net: Our sources say yes.
SUMMER SICKNESS
From groov3n: In the spirit of trying something new, I am writing to share with you, and the other kiddies out there, my story: This summer has been unbearable. Net: This story sucks. We suggest all of you begin doing the crossword immediately. From bad movies, friends ditching out of a Saturday night downtown at the bars to “share stories with grandpa and grandma,” to boyfriend-girlfriend combos that are inseparable. What’s the deal? Doesn’t anyone want to actually enjoy our last summer before we graduate this spring? Net: We’d all rather just nap and save our energy for months of unemployment that will follow graduation. Am I the only one who thinks sitting around at home is starting to get disappointing? Net: Apparently you don’t watch the WB. They got this one show that’s about young, model-looking women who are also witches … Outrageous!
So what do I do? I go out on a limb and knock on someone’s door and offer to take them out. Net: That’s what high-security apartment buildings are for — to keep hippie freaks like you the hell out. It works. I try again, it works again. The fate of this will be the only redeeming factor for this summer. Net: That and the State Fair. That Butter Princess thing never gets old.
From MulletEnferno: Don’t you miss the mullet, with its stream-like top and long flowing back? Net: Miss it? It’s mandatory to work here. It has the grace and beauty of a jungle cat. The MulletEnferno commands the student body of the University of Minnesota to grow back their mullets. Net: Men’s hockey coach Don Lucia is one step ahead of you. Mullets are not only easy to maintain, but anyone with a beautiful, full-grown mullet could easily get all the orgasms they could ever want. Net: But only if attempting to do so in the back seat of a 1973 Ford Bronco.
In conclusion, the mullet is more than a hair statement; it is a statement of life. Have you ever seen a full-grown mullet running wild and free on a wooded ridge in the autumn mist? Net: No, but we’ve seen one in the back seat of a 1973 Ford Bronco. It is a haunting and enchanting site. By the way, does anyone have the keys to the Cushman? Net: They must be near the keys to our beamer. Have you seen the turf on this campus? It looks a little dry … I think TrenchFoot and his landscaping crew should get out of the bushes and water the damn grass. Net: That’s not dry grass, that’s new “dried-grass look” seed, freshly engineered by the researchers at the plant genomics lab. Never needs watering!
