Persistence is the key to successful pickup line use

by Leslie Lesley

University social life across the country is about to take a revolutionary turn. The University psychology department released a 30-year study Tuesday on the effectiveness of pick-up lines.
This marks the longest known study attempting to grasp the complexity of male-female socialization, a daunting task indeed.
The measurement of effectiveness was taken from the percentage of desired outcomes as compared to the number of vicious rejections.
In the study, Professor Notsosmooth emphasized the importance of repetition when using these social skills.
“Persistence is the key. You have to say the pickup line at least 10 times consecutively for it to register in your target’s mind,” said Notsosmooth.
Some psychologists and their research assistants have taken a light-hearted tone with the findings. Research assistant Seymour Butts references the sexual implications of pickup lines.
“Some may say pickup lines aren’t effective, but our research has shown pickup lines can take you all the way,” Butts giggled.
“I think I made a joke, didn’t I? All the way, get it?” he explained.
During a symposium on human sexuality and degradation Thursday, Professor Harry Hairy and his assistant Ima Lookin dramatized the most effective pickup lines from the study.
Hairy: “If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
“It works every time.”
After adjusting his suit and returning to the podium, Hairy continued with his analysis.
“Did I catch her off guard or what?” he asked the audience. “Now just imagine how I’ll have her attention after I say it 10 times. The level of cleverness is just ingenious.”
Hairy demonstrated another favored pick-up line on Ho: “Screw me if I’m wrong, but is your name Gertrude?”
Beaver explained to the audience that the chance the woman’s name is Gertrude is extremely slim.
“Maybe just one percent,” said Hairy. “So now you’ve got her where you want her.”
Of course, he added, women expressing their assertiveness would use a name like Alfonso or Ralph when addressing their targeted male.
University students attending the symposium had mixed reactions to the presentation. Most opinions were positive, especially if they had recently “been a-slipping and a-sliding.”
Other students were bitter or confused.
Geology freshman Jacque Strap said the revealing demonstration unleashed his inner manhood:
“This has made my year. Maybe I can get the girl next door and across the hallway in the dorm. There is no better place than the U. Go Gophers! I’m unstoppable now!”
Women in the audience also expressed their relief with the new research.
The study expressed that widespread use of pickup lines by men and women was generally expected.
“Now I know how to market myself,” said business sophomore Anna Banna. “I had become so frustrated with pickup lines, but now I realize I just have to keep trying. It all makes sense now.”
Biology senior Amanda Huginkiss said, “They’re all going to be wrapped around my fingers. Tonight is going to be a turning point in my college career. I don’t have to start taking off my clothes at the bars to attract a lot of attention.”
Noel Action, a nine-year medieval psychosexual studies major, said the symposium was of no use to him.
“I’ve tried all these,” he said, “and I still end up by myself at the end of the night.”
Professor Hairy offered a word of final advice to users of this valuable research.
“Use (pickup lines) wisely and correctly. After those beer goggles set in, who knows what you’ll be picking up?” Hairy said. “Believe me, I know. Those sheep last week looked like fair game. They really took to the (pickup) lines.”