NITWIT’SLASTSTAND
Net: … And sunny days lie ahead. Then again, it’s been sunny pretty much every day in this humble section we call Network.
But NITWIT, the Network Investigative Team Working toward Indisputable Truth, has got that ramblin’ road ahead. Hoppin’ on that hair-raisin’ Harley called life, we search for a sunset to ride off into, feelin’ a bit nostalgic — until we realize the sun also rises. But we digress. Here’s today’s mail:
BEGINNINGTOSOUNDSALOTLIKEBITCHING
From Phlegm of Discontent: The holiday season is upon us, and once again, I am reminded of why I began hating Christmas in the first place. Net: Tacky sweaters from Grandma? What used to be a perfectly good holiday has been ruined by heartless corporations bent on gouging the consumers, who rush, like the cattle they are, to get the toy their brats can’t live without.
All of this is compounded by a false facade of good cheer and togetherness. Net: False facade? WE are not afraid to say “Merry Christmas” and mean it, punk!
BAH! And what’s with all the crappy Christmas music? I thought elevator music was bad enough. Net: Look — we’re sorry the Beastie Boys don’t have a Christmas album, but the New Kids on the Block Christmas release is timeless. You just need to look harder.
Anyway, my point (such as it is) is that I seem to be a minority in this, as Christmas appears to be one of the more popular holidays. Net: Yes — but it’s only a false facade, of course. I am being oppressed by the Santa-worshipping masses Net: And have you noticed that Santa is only an anagram for … SATAN?!?!? The whole competition-with-Christ-over-the-true-meaning-of-Christmas-thing takes on a whole new dimension now, doesn’t it? And I demand some sort of retribution for my kind. Like a Christmas-haters Awareness Week, or maybe a scholarship. Net: Sorry. We live in Jesse’s world. No scholarships. Maybe you can spend your break with the Navy SEALS instead.
Unite, all ye Scrooges, and throw off the shackles of oppression! Bah humbug! Net: And now, continuing our holiday spirit, we have ...
PUBLICSERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENTS
From Carrie: Hello Network! Net: Hi. I hope you can help me. I found a set of keys on the Campus Connector, and I hope they can be returned to the person who will obviously need them sooo much. Net: Wow. A letter from someone who FOUND SOMETHING. And we thought we’d seen it all … I turned them in to Facilities Management in Blegen Hall.
Please, owner of the keys, if you read this and find the keys, return the favor by doing something nice for someone today.

From The Pioneer Hall Council: Hey Net! A FYI for all students on campus looking to let off some steam before finals: Take time to beat a car! A Camaro will be in the middle of the Superblock from 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 4. For $1 you can take two swings at the car with a baseball bat — for $5, twelve swings. De-stress! See you there, Net! Net: Well, actually, we’re leaving on our rescue mission to help those displaced by Hurricane Mitch tomorrow. But otherwise, we’d sure as hell LOVE to beat a Camaro to bits! Good luck. And happy bashing — we’ve been doin’ it for years!
THEKEYTOSUCCESS
From Bent: Please help — I am sitting in one of those awful rooms I have started to hate since I started waiting in line to type papers. It would be so nice if I had keys to everything, and I mean everything. Net: Well, Bent, if keys are what you want, then a career as a janitor is JUST FOR YOU! Are you a College of Liberal Arts student? Good. That helps …
Back to what I started with, I am in a computer lab right now and what a hideous place it is. People are everywhere, desperately trying to finish papers. That is nuts — or is it I who am nuts? WAIT! Nothing can be nuts; squirrels have the nuts. Net: And we’re waiting for the attack …
Well, this is bordering on psycho, Net: And that’s why we’re printing it! so I’ll go. Net: Very well. But please come back. For truly, we say to you …

PARTINGISSWEETSORROW
Net: So as NITWIT blasts away and the University goes dormant for the holiday season, we want to leave you with these thoughts. Today’s poem comes to you, with sincere affection, from The Youngbloods:

Love is but a song we sing,
Feels the way we die.
You can make the mountains ring,
Make the angels cry.
Though the bird is on the wing,
You may not know why,
(chorus)
C’mon people now,
Smile on your brother,
Everybody get together,
Try to love one another right now.

Some may come and some may go,
People surely pass.
When the one that left us here,
Returns for us at last.
We are but a moment’s sunlight,
Fading in the grass.
(chorus)
If you hear the song I sing,
You will understand.
You hold the key to love and fear,
All in your trembling hand.
Just one key unlocks them both,
It’s there at your command.
(chorus)
C’mon people now,
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now,
Right now,
Right now,
RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

Net: And that’s all for now. Have a nice day — and peace. Hasta la victoria siempre.