AT THE END OF THE…

AT THE END OF THE MALL
Net: We try to manage debates on this forum so they have a chance to develop without making people’s eyes glaze over. We’re starting to get glassy-eyed over Mall preachers. Thus, today we run our final entry on the topic.

From 3-Some Boy: Hello Network, fellow students, all Network readers and even those who believe squirrels run the U. I only have a short little thought for all the people out there who continue to write into the Network and bash the Mall preachers.
You can’t argue against them being there — you have no point. So you don’t like them; I sympathize with that, but I don’t like it when people try to get students to sign petitions against the United States’ sanctions on Iraq, or when people wear cheeseheads, and some don’t like it when there are drag shows and what-not on campus.
But that’s life. Voice your opinions, but you can’t deny people the right to express their views and opinions. And even though you may never understand why they do what they do, just accept that they have that right, and if they bother you, well do your best to ignore it. I’ll ignore the Packer fans, you ignore the Mall preachers, but allow them to exercise their right of free speech and just go on with life. Net: So there. Nice and tidy. On to our next set of resolutions.

IT’S ALL IN OUR HEADS
From Adam, The First Man: Recent debates about the content of this column and the Mall preachers have led me to the inevitable question — when are you all going to realize that you are nothing but a figment of my imagination? You couldn’t possibly exist since you are all so damn stupid. Net: Which says a lot about your imagination.
Now, before you get offended, take a moment to think about it. I can neither see nor hear nor feel nor smell any of you when you are not in my presence.
Therefore, since all knowledge must be based on a sensory experience, I cannot possibly know that you really exist. Net: Berkeley lives! So what it all comes down to is that the entire world, and everything that seems to happen in it, are nothing more than a very elaborate construction of my incredibly creative mind.
Therefore, I have the answers to many of your little insignificant questions that are continuously debated in this forum (which I offer only in an attempt to satisfy myself that the truth has been communicated to all of my creations in order to allow myself to break the rut I have been in with regards to Network). Net: It looks as if you’ve created a monster. Anyway, here goes:
1. Lesbians are good, especially if you are one of them.
2. Squirrels — who cares? They make a tasty snack.
3. Frat boys and sorority girls actually fit many of their stereotypes. That’s why we have them, although there are a few good ones out there — i.e., all my friends.
4. Religion is for morons, unless you are worshipping me.
5. Both CLA and IT are for losers, although vastly different kinds of losers.
6. PDAs, be they gay or straight, should be swiftly punished, although the gay form is slightly more acceptable.
7. Freshmen are stupid.
8. MSA is filled with children playing politics.
9. Life really is about sex, alcohol and other fun substances.
Now that I have finished that task, Net: Yes, and thank you for neatly summarizing the last year of our lives. We will now go off to our next appointed purpose — developing nuclear warheads for Pakistan. I shall offer a new topic of discussion, though it is aimed at my more erudite minions. Anyone for a conversation on the merits of solipsism and skepticism? Net: The first one only has merits if you perceive them. We doubt if the second has any merit at all. There. Done deal. Guess we can go home. Long live pretentious proclamation over discussion!

PO’D ABOUT BW-3 ID’S
From Screwed Over: I don’t understand what’s going on lately. Net: Well, India wants recognition as a nuclear power, Powerball has experienced record jackpots and some people on Como have gone for days without electricity. Don’t try to understand. Just know. I went to BW-3 the other night Net: Ah-ha! That’s your first mistake. No one at BW-3 understands anything and I got my REAL ID confiscated. Net: It’s just the aliens’ first step to possessing your identity. Don’t worry. They won’t be any better at using it than you are.
I still haven’t been able to get it back. The manager was even so rude as to hang up on me when I was politely asking him when I could come and pick it up. I am a very patient person and I believe that I have been very understanding in this situation, but this is ridiculous. I’m from out of state and would have to fly home to get another ID. I understand that a lot of fake IDs are floating around, but they should start giving the benefit of the doubt in cases where it is almost obvious that the person’s ID is real. Net: So, what tipped them off to your ID? Was it the “Made by Parker Bros.” label? Or was it the “100 Percent Cubic Zirconium” message that made it seem “almost” real?
Everyone is so quick to think that students or young adults in general are trying to lie to them or trying to get away with something. Net: Of course, a big reason this condition exists is because students and young adults are trying to lie to people or get away with something. I think that is very wrong and once I finally get my ID back I will NEVER go to BW-3 again. I recommend that no one else does either. Net: We’re with you, Screwed Over. In fact, let’s boycott all sports bars around the U. Unfortunately, once you do that, the only place left to gather would be the Antiquarian book store and Northrop Mall — and we all know who hangs out there, don’t we?