Sayles Belton shows unorthodox love of hops, reform

Campaign funding reform will likely dominate the next four years’ political agenda as a result of one Minneapolis mayoral candidate’s unorthodox fundraising methods.

Incumbent Mayor Sharon Sayles Belton, DFL, has allegedly been coordinating house parties – with the help of four University students – to raise campaign dollars.

The parties have been occurring as many as three times a week and often involve enough alcohol to kill an army of really big elephants.

Paul Forsberg, a College of Biological Sciences junior, said his home was the most prominent location for the mayor’s beer brothels.

“For all that she has done for us, she has certainly won my vote,” Forsberg said.

Jed Hirschfeld, a Carlson School of Management junior, said his home in Southeast Minneapolis’ Como neighborhood was the recipient of over 100 kegs of beer and countless bottles of hard liquor from Belton.

“I’m a Republican,” Hirschfeld said, “but if there’s one thing Sharon taught me, it’s never underestimate a liberal’s liver.”

Minneapolis police have expressed serious concern over Sayles Belton’s practices, because of their trouble containing house parties in the Como area.

“It’s bad enough we have kids peeing in yards and smashing bottles in the street,” Police Chief Robert Olson said. ” Now we have a mayor who drinks like Ted Kennedy. Jebus Christ.”

R.T. Rybak, the other DFL candidate for Minneapolis mayor, was able to find time in between keg stands to comment.

“I really don’t think it is all that bad of an idea,” Rybak said. “It’s a great way to reach out to young voters.”

He said if college-age voters are who put Gov. Jesse Ventura in office, then wooing the younger group could prove to be a clever campaign move.

“Jesse proved that it doesn’t matter what a candidate does in office – especially to the group responsible for voting you in – so long as you get elected,” Rybak said. “She may be my opponent, but I like her approach.”

Buddy Lee, a sophomore in General College, said Belton was more than just a means of house-party funds ñ she was a drinking buddy.

“Christian Slater (the name they used for Sayles Belton because of the way she smelled in the morning) beat the whole house every time we played noggin’ knockin’,” Lee said.

Noggin’ knockin’, the practice of breaking empty beer bottles on one’s head, could be the most damaging evidence against Sayles Belton, as it was all caught on Hirschfeld’s home video camera.

Candidates for Minneapolis City Council seemed indifferent to Sayles Belton’s extraordinary tactics.

“Man, (cough-cough) if she
really wants to, she can let people from Milwaukee vote,” said Ward 2 candidate Cam Gordon.

After re-informing Gordon what the topic was and waiting for him to clear the tube, he said it doesn’t matter what Sayles Belton does to get elected, as long as she gives free cars and homes to people who don’t want to find jobs.

“Dude, I mean Ö hold on while I hit this Ö

“Ö OK, (cough-cough) if she can get the votes, then what difference does it make if farm animals voted or not?” he said.

Joan Campbell, the DFL Ward 2 incumbent, was entirely too confused by Gordon’s lack of focus to say whether or not she agreed with him but said she would wait to see if the allegations against Sayles Belton are true before she comments on the party funds.

Jake Peters, a junior architecture major, said whether Sayles Belton is elected or not, he will never forget the late night wedgie battles he and the mayor had.

“I’ve lost a lot of underwear to that woman,” Peters said. “I just hope I don’t lose her as a mayor, too.”