From Captain Coffman: Can I take a minute to respond to The Fool? Net: Who, we will remind y’all, took second place in yesterday’s haiku contest with this sprightly little piece:

Hey f##*%ing students!
Coffman needs renovation:
No parking for you!

He/she should be informed Net: As should you all; this is a newspaper that the South Mall project, which includes the renovation of Coffman Union, also includes the building of a 1700-car parking garage.
This ramp will provide more spots than the current East River Road Ramp and the Coffman Garage combined!
Since he/she waxed so “poetic” in writing a haiku, I thought I should respond likewise:

Hey you, Fool! Wake up!
There will be more spots for cars,
Get your facts right, please!

From FatDumbKid: Hello all you really witty writers at the Daily. My name is FatDumbKid, insert smart-ass remark here. Net: Gggh … duhhh … ahhh … you kind of put us on the spot … erm … I would just like to let you know that television is better than your column. That’s right, I would rather watch “Dharma & Greg” than read your column. So quit forcing it on me! Everyone at this school is stupid. Not retarded, annoying or horny, just plain stupid. I also think fireworks are neat. Does this bother you, Net? Net: Uh … erm … heh-heh … (shuffle scratch) … no … I am going to continue shooting fireworks until the day I die, and you can’t stop me. Can you? I think not. Also, I realize that most newspapers are liberal and I put up with it. But the Daily is really liberal, not that anything is wrong with that. Do you like my stream of consciousness style of writing? NET: CAN’T FIND … ACCEPTABLY CAUSTIC … INSULT … Artsy people crave this stuff. It will make me rich one day. I have a short attention span. If you print this it will only confirm my beliefs that you print trash because, my friend, this letter is trash. No praise for you. Print it. Net: CAN’T … RECONCILE … INSOLENT ATTITUDE … MUST … GET BACK TO … PRAISE-HEAVY LETTER … WITH POINT

From Mauch to Mulad: I could begin this letter with, “Oh almighty, blah, blah, blah Network,” but I don’t have those large pointless words in my vocabulary and it would be very painful to read. Net: Well great; you’re no help Anyway, trust me Mulad, for your problems are minuscule. I would hate to see you try to escape your problems and move into the $290-a-month prison cells provided by Dinnaken House. The so-called “thin” walls of Centennial Hall are nothing to the cardboard cutouts that Dinnaken calls bedroom doors. The only reason that I know they are cardboard is because ours got ripped off during a party and the cardboard filled center was unfortunately exposed. Net: Sort of like baked corn chips. And puffed rice cakes. And Al Gore. In addition, I guarantee there is more drama taking place inside each apartment complex than in the entire Superblock. This includes roommates bickering behind each other’s backs, not to mention the ever-so-frequent roommates punching each other in the face. But these things happen. The worst thing about this building is the woman at the front desk, let’s call her Jo– Net: Easy, big fella. Let’s not name names, for the sake of the innocent, dig? When I go to get a computer and hear her say, “Hi, how can I help you?” instead of finishing her homework and later looking up at me with that stupid, stuck-up look on her face, I promise to give 10 dollars to everyone living in this ridiculous complex. Net: Oh, Mauch — we lost you there — and you were making so much sense. Admit it, you were babbling at the end. Was your meltdown because of excessive tenant noise, or was it Jodie? WAIT, WE DIDN’T SAY THAT … D’OH!

From FeesCommitteeGuy: Oh great and exalted Network, I want to sample your vast-and-perfect-cross-section-of-the-student-body readership Net: Uh-huh. We’re HUGE with research fellows, graduate students and everyone in Yudof’s office to find out what they think of 1) the planned renovation of Coffman Union, and 2) paying $45 million for it at $15, $30 and eventually $45 per semester above the current student service fees (check Tuesday’s Daily for details). Soon the fees committee will hear the Coffman board’s plea, Net: OK, two days ago, but hey — we’re pretty backed up and the committee needs student input! You will get a nifty student union, but at (three years from now) an extra $90 per year if you take six or more credits, even through University College. The fee will be in place for at least 20 years. Please write in, and I apologize that this isn’t funny. Net: Actually, what’s funny is that it’s too late for your “input,” but we printed you anyway. Hmm … readers? What do you think? You want the cash, or the fancy new hangout? We’ll get back to you …

From Thoroughly Disgusted: The “insightful” entry sent in by Phlegm of Discontent Net: (Ripping Bangladesh … without proper apologies to Sam Kinison) was the most ignorant, tasteless, tactless and incredibly stupid piece of writing I have ever laid eyes on. Net: Ever read Dr. Date? How dare someone who no doubt wears Abercrombie and Fitch Net: Gasp! and has Mommy and Daddy paying for college judge these people? To suggest that they just pick up and move their country is absolutely ludicrous!! Net: Yes … ludicrous … wonder if that’s what they were going for … I wonder, does Phlegm have one working brain cell? To call these poverty-stricken and oppressed people “yahoos” and to suggest that the United States cut off all aid to them until they move their country definitely wins the award for the stupidest thing ever said. Ever.