Net: Thank you, dear regulars, for gracing us with your inimitable presences. No, really, we mean it. Alas, we have only so many inches to spare, so tune in tomorrow to hear more from your old school faves. Or something like that.
KILL THEM WITH WORDINESS
From Doc, Public Safety Professional: O, hallowed Network, dost thou wish the return of the “regulars?” Net: They beat the hell outta the runs. I think the easiest way to get them to return is … to publicly attack them! Not with weapons (as Phlegm might … he also might incorporate killer monkeys … that would be cool), nor with sexual perversities (which also might be cool … but leave it up to Rolla or PeeWee … maybe not PeeWee), but with words. Net: So what you’re saying is … we attack them with words? By this, I mean publicly attacking (with words … did I mention that already?) a Network regular. For this endeavor, I select … Yngwie. The fact is, he was a communist. Net: We hope you’re right, or we might need a libel lawyer. That’s right, a communist … the folks behind the Coffman Union renovation — them, and the MSA. Net: Which, of course, explains the vice president’s uncanny resemblance to Leonid Brezhnev. Eerie. Now, he explained to ME why he was a communist, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t accountable to all of Networkia. I really don’t have anything THE TOWERING OBILISK
against the guy, except for the time I got bit by a Net: [expletive deleted] on his watch (he’s also a public safety professional). Net: At last, your ulterior motives are exposed. Oh, and your zipper is down. Whaddya think of that, Yngwie?
From Obi: Ya know, Net, I must say I’m sorry. In all this hustle and bustle that we call “college life” Net: Actually, we call it “bloody, torturous hell,” but let’s not get caught up in semantics. I just plum forgot that, yes, I, Obi, must contribute at times. Oh, what pain I, and the other regs (regulars), must be causing you to suffer without our sass and wit. Lately I’ve seen some decent words filling your oh-so-rectangular form over the past few weeks. So, in my mind, things in Networkia seemed to be all fine and well. I had believed my job was done. But on reflection, I realize that my words, too, must continue to grace your hallowed, double-line stroked (pubs term) venue.
Things have been going well for the Obimeister here. But alas, as winter comes a-knocking, I grow ever more in need of someone to keep me warm. Is there anyone out there that can do that Net: Not unless Bea Arthur is available or is it just my fate to spend all of time alone here on this godforsaken desert planet? Net: Tattooine ain’t all bad, give or take a wretched hive of scum and villiany. Err, um REAL-TIME ROLLA
I mean singles dorm room. Well, that feeling of “a force” calls me to end this message. Feels like Lassie didn’t rescue Timmy this time; I need to go help the both of them. An Obi’s work is never done! TTFN. Oh, and remember, eat Net: [expletive deleted] and die! HeHe.
From Rollerdiva: Well said, Obi! Net: How’s that for quick feedback? I agree completely, at the molecular level even, to the low level sass-o-meter readings in the Net lately. I attribute this recent sasslessness to the departure of that oh-so-sexy and sassy feline Infinity Sasstress. Hot damn! was that girl sassy! I pity the man who dared ever interrupt her intergalactic flow of cosmic ethersass. As for Phlegm of Discontent, I sit and wait patiently for Network to print his latest escapades, he’s just such a red-blooded hunk of meat-lovin’-tree-hugger-hatin’-monkey-raisin’-gas-guzzler-truckin’ maniac, hell-bent on taking over the world as we know it. Net: And he’s coming up next, right here in Network! Stay tuned! I mean, what sweet, warm-hearted Abercrombie summer girl wouldn’t fall head over heels in love with such a man? Net: Only the ones who aren’t doped up on Rohypnol. Meow! As for me, I’ve been awfully occupied with the endless pursuit of my elusive dream man. You know, the one I’ll become a one-man, two- chick kinda woman for? He’s always right there, two steps in front of me, Net: What are you, a Geisha girl? and the only thing I know about him is that he can correctly use the word gumption in any context. If you see him, would you let me know? Speaking of two steps, and not the country kind, I’ve been laying extra low Net: So what else is new? these days since my drastic image rearrangement has failed to thwart those psycho-Rollerdiva stalkers, always lurking in the shadows, trying to slip lysergic acid in my ever-present bottle of Gaverina spring water — it’s so good for the MILPHLEGMMIUM
complexion, and damn, is that s##!t smooth. Seriously, you guys, if you can find nothing better to do than dig through my trash and harass me for pictures of my bare-naked ass Net: You mean we only have reprints? you need to start reading the personals section of the City Pages. The advertisements that would interest you the most are under the subheading, “Perverted Peeping-Toms Wanted.”
From Phlegm of Discontent: Well, it’s about a month before the “end of the millennium,” and that means one thing. Net: Cheap liquor and free love? That’s right, it’s time to start the riots that will eventually bring about the downfall of our civilization. Net: Well, that’s the third-best thing, anyway. I’ll be personally responsible for crushing people’s skulls and feasting upon the soft brains within while Bobo, my faithful lab monkey, will be busy with corpse-defilement. Net: And we will be nearby, vomiting profusely. Now, you might ask yourself, “Why am I rioting?” And, of course, the answer is that 2000 is a big round number. Net: Don’t doubt the power of numerology. Remember, everyone had a lot of sex in 1969. Ooooo! And it marks the end of the thousand years, which began in the year 1000 for some reason. Net: Don’t even go there. When it’s all over, I think I’ll switch to the Islamic calendar, where it’s 1420 and I can relive the conquest of the New World all over again. Net: On Columbus: We’re not cool on rape, but we dig pillaging. As for New Year’s Eve, I plan on doing what I do every year: get loaded and try to find an orgy somewhere.
