Net: These are stor…

Net: These are stormy days in Netland. Political sensitivities are at a peak, with readers valiantly defending our prized freedoms (and writing anagrams, of course). We won’t even TOUCH Clinton today — too many other important topics at hand.

FREE MILES III
From Superfan: I couldn’t agree more with Amendment One, in the fact that Marver should be allowed to speak in free will throughout the course of the Gophers hoops season. A gifted orator such as Marver should never be held back when speaking his mind Net: We felt the same way when Ted Kaczynski wanted to represent himself, or delivering a quick postgame quote with a slightly sarcastic punch line. All great thoughts should be expressed, and while Marver is in exile, men’s basketball articles in the Daily just don’t seem quite like the finished product as they were before.
My theory towards this problem is to heed the advice of Michael Rand, and we free Marver. Free him from all the indignities and violations of the First Amendment of our beloved Constitution. Net: Sorry. “Breaking Barriers” takes precedence in the locker room. Free him from wearing tape on his mouth during pre-game warm-ups to keep him silenced. Net: Hey — that’s a fashion statement. Only then will the world be a better place.


ANAGRAMANIA!!!!!
Net: More, more and more anagrams! It’s the latest craze! C’mon and join the frenzy!
From Anagramaster: Thought I’d try my hand at penning some anagrams:
Mark Yudof:
My OK Fraud
Nils Hasselmo:
No slim hassle
Smallish nose
Hi, smell no ass

William Clinton:
I’m Non-Clit Will
I’m a Lincoln Wilt

Paula Jones:
Japan Louse

Monica Lewinksy:
A known icy smile
Lick me is no yawn
Me in a silky cow

Thank you for your time.
NEW TOPICS

From Princess of Power: OK, off my soap box (for now).
Now for a few gripes: Elevators. Has anyone else noticed that the elevator in Folwell Hall is THE slowest elevator on campus??? Net: Of course. That’s the one reserved for Steven Tyler when he wants to go doooowwwwwnnnn. What would it take to get someone to speed that thing up? An act of Congress? How annoying!
The corner of 15th and University. I’m not a car driver, just a rather pedestrian pedestrian. But the people who cross University at 15th really piss me off! There’s a left-hand light so that cars turning left onto University can do so before traffic starts heading their way. When it’s lit, the “No Walking” sign is lit. Does this deter anyone? NOOOO! I can’t count how many times I’ve stood on the corner waiting for the “Walk” sign to appear watching all these pedestrians cross the street, forcing cars to angrily wait for a clearing. Net: Be gentle. For many, it’s their only rebellion against automotive hegemony. It’s probably a good thing I don’t drive, ’cause I’d just plow right through the whole mess of students there. Net: It’s too bad you weren’t in the National Guard around 1970.
If you can’t take the time to read and obey the rules, why should I?
Finally, where have all the squirrels gone? I haven’t seen very many of them this winter. Net: I bet our readers would know. Any ideas???
Thanks, oh Great and Powerful Network!!! Net: No problem.

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE, THERE’S IRE

From The Marlboro Camel: I have a little something to say about smokers.
Do all smokers have to be inconciderate? Net: Do all non-smokers have to be bad spellers? I am sick and tired of having to run through a gantlet of smokers just to get to class four times a day, and whoever made up that crap about “holding your breath,” I’d like to see him Net: Genderer. try to do it while running and dodging the dark haze that blinds the entrance to a building — it’s NOT easy. Net: You think smoking is easy? The safety of the American Way depends on big tobacco — at least in election years. Oh, but this nuisance is not just troublesome on your way in but it also is a problem on your way out. Is it that hard to light up and contaminate your lungs at least 40 feet away from a place where many healthy people will be walking? Net: Have you ever tried moving a 50-pound oxygen tank over 40 feet of packed ice? I also hate smelling the remnants of smokers past when entering or leaving a building Net: That’s why the tobacco industry invented fire escapes, and I long for the day that I can walk from class to class without being in full target of someone’s smoke trail. It is very disturbing when you become the unfortunate Net: You forgot pious and self-righteous one in a class or in the computer lab who gets to sit next to a smoker. Net: Why do you think we started smoking in the first place? You may think you don’t smell, but believe me, YOU DO!!! Net: WE KNOW!!! It is not only disgusting but also a major turn-OFF! Net: So are EXCLAMATION POINTS! Clean up yourselves and be more considerate — after all it is your choice to increase your chances of getting lung cancer or other diseases, but when you risk others’ lives just to satisfy your cravings, that’s just plain selfish! Net: So is taking food out of the stomachs of tobacco farmers’ children, kid! Tobacco farming is the first, and greatest, American industry. This year’s Clinton budget uses the all-American (legal) bud to fund teachers and health care. So get with the Way (and have, as always, a beautiful day).