Ventura recommits to making bigger ass of himself, state

Butch McGrapple

Gov. Jesse Ventura answered his critics during a press conference Monday, denying his principles have been compromised by several years of elected office.

“I am just as committed today as I was three years ago,” he said to reporters. “I know what the people of Minnesota want. They want a governor willing to make a gigantic ass of himself.”

Ventura’s popularity rating has slipped recently and the governor has been criticized for not putting enough effort into making more of an ass of himself during the last legislative term.

“I know that the governor is an ass,” said Woodbury resident Thomas Sullivan. “But I guess I don’t feel it. Not like I used to. You get the feeling his heart isn’t in it.”

University political science professor Steven Hicks said Ventura first captured voters’ hearts with a unique blend of two qualities.

“Everybody already figured that he was dumb,” said Hicks. “He already had that going for him. But nobody could have guessed how much of an ass he could be.”

Hicks said he believes Ventura might be a victim of his own success.

“He’s already done such a good job of making an ass of himself his first three years in office,” said Hicks. “People wonder, has he reached his peak? Is he growing as an ass, or is he sitting back remaining complacent?”

Hicks said Ventura has also faced considerable competition from President George W. Bush. Hicks named Bush as the “gold standard” of leadership making an ass of himself and said for many people Ventura pales in comparison.

“Although it’s probably not fair because the president is such a natural ass,” said Hicks. “But the president is obviously the biggest ass this country has ever had. The governor is only the biggest ass Minnesota has ever had. Now he seems less important.”

“That innocent little girl looked me right in the eyes and laid it to me straight. She asked me, ‘Could you be a larger ass?’ And you know what? I was embarrassed because I really I couldn’t answer her question. From the mouths of babes, right?” Ventura said

“But I have an answer,” Ventura said, looking into two TV cameras. “Yes. Much bigger.”

After his speech, Ventura addressed questions about his recent statement that midgets be reclassified as undocumented workers.

“These people need to pull their fair share,” he said. “If they can’t do that then send them back to Ireland or wherever the hell they come from.”

Ventura also repeated that his long-standing feud with teachers and the print media has nothing to do with his chairmanship of the Illiterate Rights Council.

Earlier this year, Ventura was forced to resign his post after receiving a wave of anti-illiterate criticism.

“I read good,” Ventura told reporters.

According to the governor’s office, rocky political waves have not shaken his confidence.

“The governor is not worried about his abilities, trust me,” said Ventura spokesman John Wodele. “He just wants to show everyone that he is indeed putting all of his effort into making more of an ass out of himself and the people of Minnesota.”

Wodele said Minnesotans won’t be shocked if the governor makes a recovery.

“He’s got this mystique,” said Wodele. “Nobody knows how much of an ass he could really be. That makes him really attractive.”

Minneapolis resident Lydia Howard said she is confident the governor can be more of an embarrassment than he already is.

“I know he has it in him,” said Howard. “He hit such a high point with the XFL. He’s really going to have to dig deep, but if anybody can do it, it’s him.”

Butch McGrapple welcomes comments at [email protected]