REUNITED, ANDWEFE…

REUNITED, ANDWEFEELSOGOODNet: We would like to start off your day with a message that once again confirms, as Anne Frank once said, that people are basically good. Not that Anne would be a good proof for this hypothesis — it’s just a nice thought.
And it’s nice for us to think that our PSAs actually bring well-being into the world. Witness this response to Erin Go Bragh:

From Andrew’s Revenge: In Tuesday’s Daily there is a notice in Network column about a key ring having been found in Ferguson Hall. The description matches the key ring I inadvertently left in the women’s restroom near my office on the first floor of Ferguson Hall about a week ago. I would be most grateful if you could put me in touch with the person who found my key ring. Thank you very much for your help in this matter. Net: No problem. The e-mail contact info has already been sent. It’s good people like Erin who make this column worth printing, and readers like you who make it work. Go forth — and may the keys you need always be near.

TELL US YOUR DESIRES
From Fantasia: Oh high and mighty Network that guards its followers with undaunting strength. Net: We’re hoping you mean, “undaunted.” But if not, oh well … I have a question that I thought of while reading the Dr. Date column of May 26. Net: Ah-ha! Reading the competition, then coming to us. What, Dr. Date too imtimidatin’ for ya? I was wondering if, like colors, certain fetishes relate to different types of attitudes or characteristics, i.e., the color black relates to a person who is depressed. Net: And if that doesn’t conjure all sorts of troubling racial images, we don’t know what will.
I thought that maybe a person who had a foot fetish was big into running or maybe a neck fetish meant the person is of the vampish type. Net: And a person who really likes to eat hot dogs …
You did it before and you are my only hope. Please, conduct another survey so I may know the answer to my question once and for all. Net: Sorry — if we fulfilled your desire we would have to take our third survey, and we still haven’t announced our second. No dice. Besides, how do we know that we aren’t just satisfying some weird survey fetish. “Poll me, baby, poll me hard!” Please, have people write in and give what their fetish is and how it connects to their personality. Net: We can oblige you on that. But we really want to stay away from any Dr. Date-type things. This column is meant to promote traditional American family values, dammit, and we don’t need any of you perverts out there telling us your kinky desires! So we reserve all right to edit, suppress, fold, spindle and mutilate ANYTHING WE RECEIVE! And if anything’s too hot for us to handle, it goes to Date. Keeping those simple guidelines, go for it.

A CAUTIONARY TALE
From A McDonald’s Beany Baby: I’m writing for several reasons.
First, and most importantly, I will attempt to warn the movie-going public of the travesty that the movie “Chinese Box” (viewed over the weekend at the Uptown Theater) is NO relation to the fabulous “Pillow Book.” And I think Wang Wong had something to do with the both of them Net: Probably. After all those great ’80s songs (“Everybody have fun tonight/Everybody Wang Wong tonight …”) how could he NOT be part of a fabulous film like “The Pillow Book”? so it would seem that he needs to be the starving soul he was when he came up with the artfully crafted masterpiece “The Pillow Book” to go any further with his film career.
Just like Soul Asylum and Cyprus Hill, once the money changed hands the crap they produced felt sold-out and sucky. Net: Whereas before it sucked, but had the all-important GEN-X CREDIBILITY!!!
Secondly, to the Helping Friend who wants his friend’s stolen bike to be returned — be glad your friend’s motorcycle (or Honda, to be more accurate,) is in the hands of someone you don’t know. You’ll save yourself lots of wasted time looking for wheelchairs with him when he doesn’t become a quad in the accident he would have had over this past weekend, had he had access to the Honda.
It’s all fate!!!!!!!!!! and Karma!!!!!! Fate and Karma!!! Net: Hey — isn’t that a sitcom?
And I guess I have another comment, while I’m at it. Why aren’t the Hari Krishnas on campus this year? Net: Oh, but they are. After they relaxed the dress code, everyone but you converted. You probably haven’t noticed all the soft humming (“Hare krishna, hare krishna, krishna krishna, hare hare/Everybody have fun tonight …”) I waited all spring for those beautiful bald people to attempt to convert me, to sell me their books and flowers — and not a one to be seen.
Has the Yudof regime cast them off our soil? Net: Not a chance. To do that would violate Section 6 of erstwhile President Hasselmo’s U2000 plan, which mandated diversity. That’s why we still have Mall preachers, ya know. Is there no justice? Net: Not since he got traded to the Indians. I say we all don orange robes and shave our heads in protest Net: Better yet — let’s go on a HUNGER STRIKE until a real one makes his journey to our fine campus.
Maybe with a campus of shaved heads and orange robes, we’d have a bit more of the Kung-Fu yang for attitude around here. Net: Yeah — that’s what Krishnas are known for. Attitude. You see ’em in the airports, sellin’ their flowers with that standoffish gaze that drives the muthas wild. Yup. A whole army of shaved heads and orange robes, lookin’ like the current Indiana Pacers as they hustle their way to the NBA finals. You might just want to stay out of the revolution business, Beany Baby, and leave it to the pros.