Network: HardwarePartDeux; Consuela deMonos; jabroni

>If DrDatesux was of legal drinking he might know that Dr. Date is not by any means a new addition to the backtalk section. Those of us who are true backtalk junkies know that one of the biggest mistakes the Powers That Be ever made was to replace the then-retiring Dr. Date with Help me Harlan. That Harlan pantywaste was truly homo and got replaced by nothing but ads for three years. Net: Well, we’re just the soul of sensitivity, aren’t we? During those dark days, i often reminisced of time when Dr. Date, along with an occasional Nurse Naughty, made my mornings back when I was wee freshman. But Dr.DateSux was probably in diapers then, so he wouldn’t know the true quality of the relationship advice colunmn. They key to the column is not the answers Dr. Date provides, it is the questions that the sexaholics and shameful masterbaters ask. Such as, why does Dr.DateSux have an erectile dysfunction problem? I can think of myriad answers to his inability to perform unless he’s watching anime, but I will leave that to Dr. Date. Net: What we’d like to know is: Why are we awash in erectile dysfunction medicine, and yet, they can’t manage to mix up a few million extra doses of flu vaccine? Does Bob Dole really have that much pull with the pharmaceutical companies?

From Consuela deMonos

Alright, enough is enough. We need to slam down hard on Dr. Crapass. Remember the Dr. Date of yore, the Dr. Date we loved to hate? Everyone in Network called the column lame, but the truth was, he gave good, legitimate advice, and we had a good relationship: we made fun of him, he kept giving legitimate advice. Net: Kind of like old people – except for the good advice part. Then he left, and was replaced by Help me Harlan, which made us all want to hurl. After daily burns from Network he was thankfully dropped. I know this new dude is local (where the hell was Harlan from?), but his advice sucks so much ass, as bad as Harlan. And Dr.DateSux is right on about the top 10 crap. It’s not funny and it’s crappy advice, so stop doing it. Network had better bitch everyday about this dude until things change. Dr. Fake Date (as you are not the old Dr. Date I am sure): Shape up or ship out. And either way, expect a good ass kicking. Net: Now, really, that’s not very neighborly, is it? Dr. Date didn’t spend 18 months in Grenadian medical schools just to have the likes of you drag his name through the mud. What might seem like bad advice to you is actually good advice for bad people.

From jabroni

Hey Net. What’s the word? Net: Schenectady. I’m just writing in to express my distaste with the exam enviroment. Net: Dude, if you’re trying to taste your exam environment, you should probably drop out of school and go in for some intensive counseling. Obviously, the pressure has gotten to you. I go in to a lecture hall or room to take a simple little test, I’m feeling confident from my recent 20 minute study session, I sit down and start cracking. When all of a sudden, *sniff!* Hmmm… okay, so number 1… What is x when-*sniff!* when y is-*sniff!**sniff!*y is equal to -*sniff!* *sniff!* *sniff!* *sniff!* *sniff!* y *sniff!* *sniff!* argh! Why can’t these idiots blow their nose before class? I’m just trying to honestly take my test, but I cannot concentrate at all, because the deadly sniffles have attacked my class room. To top it all off, if I have to sniff I feel guilty. Guilty because I hate them so much for doing it, that I’d hate myself for doing the same. I might start wearing earplugs to exams. Net: So, not only are you a poncey, stuck-up twit who can’t abide a little natural phlegm, you’re also a hypocrite! Get out of our sight!