Network: Tyler Durden; Preaching Hatred; A to Zygotes

>What’s up, Networkia? We’ve got another IT vs. CLA letter in today, but we’re thinking it might be time to let up on this particularly deceased equine. How about a haiku contest? Entries should follow the standard 5-7-5 syllable structure, and must use the word “Bruininks” at some point.

From Tyler Durden

Hi, ITers. You’re going to call off this little flamewar. You’re going to publically state that you LOVE the CLA. Or… we’re going to take your balls. And send half to the Minnesota Daily, half to the Star Tribune, press-release style. Net: We don’t speak for the Daily, per se, but we’re pretty sure they don’t want thousands of testicles to descend on them anytime soon. Does anyone want that? Look, the people you are flaming are the people you depend on. We will cook your meals, we will drive your ambulances. We will connect your calls, we will guard you while you sleep. Do not… NUTT with us. Net: It’s about time for Project Mayhem to really get under way.

From Preaching Hatred

It is a dark time in this great State. Net: Fall?

Our glorious University campus has been infested by vermin who call themselves fundamentalist preachers. Net: That’s not really being fair to the squirrels. Most of them identify as Pentecostal. We must rise up against these devils as a

PEOPLE, and crush their pathetic little hopes. We must turn their own hypocritical rhetoric against them, and hate them off our campus. Net: It worked for the White Students Union. We must stone them with the full force of rotting fruit, and ensure that they never return lest they enjoy bloated oranges. Net: Hold on there, professor, you’ve lost us. To that end, I call upon the good Students of this University: Rise up, and cast off these blasphemous oppressors through the use of VIOLENCE! We must bury them in a hail of oranges! All who perpetuate this glorious war on idiocy must contact me at [email protected] to receive their battle-earned position in the HALLS OF HATRED. Net: Those are somewhere between the halls of Morrill and the halls of Murphy, right?

From AtoZygotes

Today I discovered that the people who bought the enormous piece of corporate art that hangs in the middle of carlson were misinformed when they made the purchase. Net: Those tricky Carlson students! They embezzled some of the money to spend on MGD Light, didn’t they? They thought they were investing in an abstract globe that represented unity and the growing global nature of business. In actuality, this particular piece of art was the artist’s interpretation of conception. Net: Oh, that’s not as funny. That’s right. There is clearly a giant egg being penetrated by sperm in the middle of the CSOM atrium. It’s beautiful. Net: Well, when you come right down to it, you can’t really reproduce capitalism without reproducing humans. Which brings up an interesting question. To wit, is it the requirements of capital that tend to reinforce patriarchy in order to provide more workers/consumers, or, conversely, is it patriarchy and its socially constructed gender roles which provide a template for the hierarchy and domination inherent to capitalism? And by casting the debate in these terms are we eliding the question of race? Weighty matters, which will not likely be solved here, because of the fact that 99 percent of our readership has already grown bored and started working on the crossword puzzle.