From Lab Attendant 5000: Hey, Net, did you notice Elmo, the festive new Net: Actually, not terribly new at all. Rumor has it Elmo first appeared in the Daily in the 1920s, but we’re not sure ’cause the guy who used to confirm such trivialities recently kicked it weather thing on the front page, was trying to pick a fight with you on Wednesday? Net: Damn straight, but we let it slide. He’s got his own problems to deal with, considering his mother’s breath smells like Massengil. He said, “I’m glad they kept the crossword, but I could do without Network stealing my glory.” Word to Elmo: You have no glory. There is no glory to be stolen. Net: Indeed, Elmo is not himself these days. His two-year hiatus seems to have withered his wit, among other things. But he is a plucky chap, that much is for sure. A “plucker,” if you will. You’re just a festive weather thing with a happy cloud face. Network has glory because it gives people a forum to attack the many evils of this “institution.” Topic change. Net: Whoa! Thank heavens we installed a roll bar on the ol’ Commodore 64. Good move shutting down Obi‘s request for a name change. His ego knows no bounds. Net: Nor does his ever-expanding rump, we hear. Peace out.
From Doc, Public Safety Professional: O, Imperious and Most Regal Network, I humbly submit this drivel for consumption by the denizens of Networkia. First of all, I hope that everyone’s winter break — and especially New Year’s — was filled with revelry, merriment, debauchery and the reckless discharge of firearms. Net: Only if you made it down to the west-Texas town of El Paso. Yngwie and I were going to shoot at the car of a co-worker, but the weather got too bad. Anyway, while I was stumbling about campus prior to break in a cigarette- and coffee-induced haze, Net: Wuss I made my way into the men’s bathroom in the basement of Lind Hall. There, on the wall, I found the most curious graffiti. Net: A big, giant question mark? Some hoodlum had written “Allen Ginsberg is a fag.” Now, I have no strong feelings either way for Allen Ginsberg. Net: No love for the beat poets. Bummer, man. But apparently someone else did. He/she/it wrote: “Hey you! Yeah, you disrespectful f##&*! Allen Ginsberg put his queer shoulder to the grindstone working against small-minded pricks and assholes like you. So show some f##&*ing respect!” Now, I’m all for admiration, but I must ask you, omnipotent Network, why would you write such a tirade on a bathroom wall? Net: Yeats? I can’t figure it out. Can you? Net: The only thing we can’t figure out is how to choose between boxers and G-string mesh bikinis.
From Tiggs: S’up Net? Happy New Year and all that other crap. Now, on to my gripe for the New Year. Net: Why limit yourself to just one? Last Friday night I was sitting down in front of the TV to watch the Denver-Minnesota hockey game. Net: What, “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” wasn’t on? As an intense Gophers hockey fan, I was quite looking forward to it. Now, I realize there were other WCHA games going on at the same time, and one of these games was between two teams that we all love to hate, the f***ing Sioux and those stinking Badgers. But I could really give a rat’s ass about the outcome of that game. I wanted to watch the Gophers. The thing that pissed me off is the wonderful MSC broadcast team really cared about that game. Net: It is Midwest Sports Channel, you know. People who aren’t Gophers fans — if you can even comprehend such a thing — watch cable TV, too. They constantly broke away to bring updates of that other game. Now, I have no problem with breaking away during stoppages of play to get an update, but that is not what happened. They broke away from live action several times to show replays of the other game. Net: The appalling rat-bastardness of it all is, well, appalling. I was getting quite upset as this was happening. Why did they care so much about the Sioux or Badgers? Net: Umm … which would you rather watch: Vikings-Packers or Saints-Browns? I am a little surprised a goal wasn’t scored during one of these updates. Net: It was all rigged. Maybe that would have made them realize how stupid the whole thing was. I am only glad that the next night I was able to attend the next game to see it live. My point here is the MSC coverage sucks. Call, write, send bomb threats or whatever ripens your tomato. Tell MSC to cover the right game, or there will be hell to pay. Net: What are you gonna do, show ’em your ripened tomato? Let this be a warning to the rest of the world: never come between Tiggs and his hockey. Ok gotta go. TTFN.
From Phantoms of the Court: Salutations, Network! In light of the fact that the cheerleaders and dance team are reminiscent of a bunch of gnus in heat, Net: On a good day we bring forth a mind-blowing idea regarding how to recharge and revitalize the crowd at Williams Arena. Net: Free laughing gas? Since we harbor great concern for the welfare of shrieking gnus that have entertained/irritated us all season long, we feel it’s only fair to give them a break. Net: Yeah, right at the ankles. We hereby propose a surefire way to please the ladies — and maybe some of the guys, as well. How about a basketball team turned cheerleading/dance squad? Just picture it: The band tears into a kickin’ swing medley, and the boys romp jauntily onto the court. Net: We might be in if there are tear-off sequined warm-ups involved. Keating is paired with Przybilla, Simmons with Rychart and Bickerstaff with Sinville, showing off all those old, tired swing moves we’ve all grown to know and loathe — except that this breathes new life into the overdone genre, especially since the routine is complete with lifts! Net: If you witnessed Big Joel’s 1-for-11 bravura performance at the charity stripe vs. Purdue, you’d realize the folly of this idea. So c’mon — we encourage anyone wishing to indulge themselves in such a spectacle to speak up and get our boys shaking their bon-bons all over the court.