Net: Welcome to …
TODAY’S NET!!
Net: Full of …
AMAZING STORIES!
Net: And continuing discussion of …
PROVACATIVE TOPICS!
Net: Already introduced and of general interest. Let us begin.
LOOKIN’ FOR LADIES
From A SWM looking for a SF: As men, we all know the purpose of going to college Net: VIRGINS!, and SWF hit the nail on the head when she said that the U is one big singles bar.
Unfortunately, the women who complain about not being able to find a man don’t seem to do much to help this problem. You say that men here don’t try to make themselves attractive, but why should we? I have been flirting with women all across the University for three years now, and I don’t know what the deal is with the women, but they seem to ignore all of my attempts. Net: So what’s your idea of flirting? We usually try to call at least seven times a day, playing “Every Breath You Take” by The Police in efforts to wear them down. It’s never worked, except once — and that was even scarier.
Here’s an example: I’m walking across the Mall, and I smile at someone who happens to cross my path. What does she do? She looks away or ignores me!! Net: Of course — STALKER!!!
It happens all the time, and this is where the problem begins! If I can’t even get you to make eye contact with me or smile back, how can I start a conversation with you? Net: Try running behind her, shouting — get’s ’em every time. I think this discourages many guys on campus and we get depressed and dress sloppy because we think the women at the U just don’t care about us.
Here’s the solution. When a guy smiles at you, smile back. And if he tries to start a conversation, don’t blow him off — he just might have something interesting to say! Net: Unlikely — but hope springs eternal. I promise you these simple steps would change a lot here on campus. As for SWF, I’m willing to start the trend right now. 🙂 There. I smiled at you. Net: Right — but what were you wearing? Will you smile back or will you ignore me? Net: Will you call his name, or will you walk on by? Maybe you should go out for breakfast sometime. Hopefully I’ll know in the next few days. I’ll be reading Network to see if you respond. Net: And so will everyone else. But other than a SWF response, we’re going to have to turn these letters over to Dr. Date. Don’t want to tread on anyone, ya know.

SHEPARD SPECULATION
From Greg: I hate putting labels on things but it seems Sven’s first question is meant to be rhetorical. If Sven was really asking a question about whether a parent should be responsible for his adult son’s behavior, I’d say his dad is half responsible, being as his son gets 50 percent of his genetic inheritance from him. Net: Ah-ha! Nature vs. nurture. It seems to me an individual or group of people that slowly pummels someone to death might be working with a brain deficit. My next thought would be, what parent wouldn’t want to remain anonymous if their son did something like that, and maybe the death threat is made up to give anonymity to a family to protect the little juniors still at home. Just a thought. Have a great day.
WE WANNA BE GREEK!
To Phratty from The Feeble Wookie: I feel I must stand as a representative for all of us “outsiders” (I get to be Soda Pop) who are not a part of the almighty greek community.
Phratty, you are misinformed with regards to our feelings toward greeks and our true motivation behind trying to get into your parties.
For the most part, we do not want to use you for your beer, and we certainly do not hope to wreck your homes. You see, everyone who is not in a frat or a soror (why not abbreviate sorority too?) really wants to be.
What we really want is to be like you. This is why we all put on our best Abercrombie shirts, douse ourselves with Tommy and hang our keys around our necks as we head out to the sacred “Frat Row.” Indeed, we arrive at your doorstep in hopes that maybe tonight will be the night when we are finally recognized by a frat brother as being one worthy of their friendship. I hope that one day you, Phratty, will accept me with open arms (and wallet) into your brotherhood, so I can see what it’s like to have true friends, all for only $800 per quarter. Net: Pssst … Phratty. We think The Feeble Wookie was writing ironically. Just wanted to clear that up.
A FINAL THOUGHT
From PornChica: Hey Net!! Net: Hey. I think you’ll be glad that I have something of some importance to say today. Net: We hang on your every word, etc.
Last Thursday, my car was towed by the city because they were “cleaning the leaves from the streets.” Um, OK. If anyone else has noticed, not all of the leaves have fallen from the trees, making this cleaning pretty damn useless other than to squeeze $100 out of a poor college student, not to mention the pain it is to find a ride and the time to go get the car. So let this be a warning for everyone out there — watch out for any indication that they might be cleaning the streets; you know they’ll have to do it again.
Secondly, maybe I just wasn’t in the right place on Halloween Net: We had secretly found out you’d be hanging out in Sanford, waiting for Little Bo Peep. Sorry the date didn’t work out, but I was pretty disappointed with the costumes. I saw the usual “retro” people and the “goths,” Net: Ooh. Creative and you know they were all the frat/sorority people, so I’m just wondering, when are the goths going to dress as frat boys for Halloween? Net: AAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!! That will be the day. Net: And an interesting movie plot. Give it some thoughts, folks. We’ll be right back atcha.