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The Minnesota Daily

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The Minnesota Daily

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From Gossamer: Hey Network, I remember you saying something at the beginning of the year about printing pictures and stuff like that. There was this picture in the Daily last year of this kid who just got an intestinal transplant or something. I know somebody knows which one I’m talking about — the one with the t-shirt.
Anyway, I was just wondering if it has been long enough since that event that it is now OK to laugh at the picture without being damned to hell.
If so, I was hoping that you would dig in your archives and pull it out for all of us to enjoy just one more time. Thanks. Net: No problem, Gossamer. Here’s the photo, reprinted for you.
The photo shown is from the fall quarter 1996 Daily finals issue, devoted to “Urban Legends.” For the issue, the Daily’s crack photo staff creatively manipulated and staged unforgettable scenes to accompany the mock-melodramatic stories. This photo ran in conjunction with a piece on illegal organ sales.
Interestingly enough, that particular finals issue was one of the less successful ones of recent years. Many readers didn’t get the concept, and due to some presentation problems many readers thought the photos were real. So, Gossamer, feel free to laugh all you want. That’s what the Daily intended.
If you have any photos you’d like reprinted, or any odd Daily requests, we’ll do what we can. As always, just write.

To The Enlightened Individuals at Network from The Wake Up Call: Is it just me or does the principle of innocent until proven guilty not exist in this country anymore? Net: That went out the window the day the first witch got dunked in Salem. Nowadays any crackpot can come forward and make an accusation, and immediately they are believed. Net: True. NITWIT’s uncle said an AFC team would win the Super Bowl, and we still don’t believe him. The most recent example of this is that intern that Bill Clinton allegedly received sexual favors from. At almost the same instant that she came forward she already had TV bookings and entire hours of “Dateline” dedicated to her, Net: Ah-ha! The conspiracy rears its ugly head and if that wasn’t bad enough, the media, which to my naive mind is supposed to search out the truth, added their own gas to the fire. Net: But with a complete absence of malice, of course.
I ask this question to the readers of Network: What is the more reasonable explanation: 1) Clinton has banged every woman he has come in contact with, Net: We’d like to see him go head-to-head with Wilt Chamberlain or 2) these people feel like they need there own little spot of the limelight? I’m not trying to defend Clinton — the truth of his private affairs have no effect on his ability or inability to govern. Net: Unless he sleeps with a double agent — then we have to call James Bond. All I want is to send a wake-up call to all the gullible losers who have nothing better to do than follow the nonsensical scandals of the White House. Net: Uh, that would be people who care about laws.


From Niaxato Blackstar: This is in response to Trejbal’s article in Tuesday’s Daily. He seems to have a really naive view of evolution. He seems to believe that humanity is going to move forward through either natural selection or science, both of which are forms of evolution in a general sense.
He has some problems.
Dawkins, among other evolutionary biologists, has shown in many animals that there are genetic predispositions to preferences in mates. For example, most peahens prefer peacocks that have brightly colored, large tails. Net: Interesting. We have a president with the same tastes. These males and females also have genes that, besides giving them their physical appearance, also give them a predisposition to others with large, brightly colored fans (at least in the case of males). So all of the birds’ offspring will have reinforced preferences to others with traits that they have, or their parents had.
Now, how does all this fit in, you may ask. Net: How does all this fit in?
Sociological studies have shown that educated, bright people tend to have fewer sexual encounters than those who are less educated. In addition, those who are educated also tend to have fewer offspring than those who are not. Now what this means is that these GRUs (Generic Reproductive Units) that we see on “Jerry Springer” are most likely having more children (legitimate or illegitimate) Net: The bastards! who have preferences for those who carry similar genes as their parents. This will most likely, unless some miraculous change happens, lead the human race to a bunch of dim-witted, slack-jawed hicks who have jobs burger-slinging or as middle management with a dwindling reserve of intelligence. Net: Interesting. Your theories would fit in nicely with the book “The Colored Empires,” an early 1900s tract that argued that, because birth rates in Africa were higher than in Europe, civilization would be overrun by jungle hordes. You are in fine company.
That’s it. There, a nice view of the future. Have a nice day.

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