THE REAL MCCOY
From Photoz: Hey, armless one, my photo was no fraud, punk, I’m just good. Net: We presume you’re the photographer and not the naked guy. Yeah, I think your silly self is just jealous. Yes, jealous of the naked man’s arms. And maybe his arse, too, or maybe you have never seen a grown man naked. Net: Do you like movies about gladiators? Just be glad we didn’t run one of the frontal shots. So anyone out there who is really wondering about the picture, not accusing me of unethical journalism, I will give you a hint. Net: Wear clothes when cameras are around? Let’s just say that sometimes, journalists know about things that you don’t and then we tell you about them in the paper the next day. Oh yeah, that IS what we do. How do you think we know to be at press conferences and protests and football games … so what’s so different about a streaker? Maybe, just maybe, someone said, “Hey, there will be a streaker on the Mall today.” They didn’t tell everyone on campus … that’s my job. So, being the pervert I am, I thought that would make a rather funny picture. I waited a long time for that shrunken man to run by me, but he did. Net: Yes, there was definitely shrinkage. And in the end, I think the picture made a couple people laugh, and that’s all I ask for. So Stubby, back off, or next time it will be you caught with your pants down.
STILL HAVEN’T FOUND
From Crow Pluto: As a fun way of starting a new quarter, I propose a scavenger hunt. Net: You mean the one where students try to find the open section that’s not at 8 a.m.? I have found something very interesting on/around campus, and I wonder if anyone else knows of its existence. Somewhere on/around this campus, there is a cash machine that dispenses money in multiples of five ($5, $15, $25), not multiples of $10. I find this very odd, but useful, and so I propose a hunt for this machine. The first person who finds it will receive a genuine, state-of-the-art No-Prize for his or her efforts. And the first person who can tell me or Net what a No-Prize is, and where I got it from, will also get one. Net: And have a very merry un-birthday, too. So, get on it Networkians! Hunt ’til your hunting bones are sore!
BEDLAM FOR BONZO
From The Booty-Whack Billy Blanks: Dear Abby … errr ah Net: That’s “erm” to you … Network … I’d like to reach out an olive branch to the people of Kosovo. The millennium is rapidly approaching and we have much greater things to fear in the near future. Net: Yeah — stuff that’ll make burning houses, destroying villages and the massacre of hundreds of innocent people look like an episode of “Green Acres.” In particular, I’m speaking about the simian revolution that has been prophesied by epic sagas such as “The Planet of the Apes!” “The time is near and we must be prepared!” — Jack Van Impe. Need I say more? The dawning of the new millennium coupled with new technologies and a more profound understanding of the world around us will expose groups of super-monkeys hidden throughout the world. Such was the case in the Academy Award winning “Congo.” Net: Amy MAD! Amy MAD! The lines are being drawn as we speak in massive government conspiracies. The old communist nations are already trying to form an alliance with the chimp and orangutan nations. Prepare for a battle only comparable to a fist fight between Mr. Clean and Mattress Giant. Don’t be fooled by Kosovo and its role diverting our nation’s attention as the monkey militaries are stockpiling jagged rocks and pointy twigs, and the communist/simian plot to rule the world! I believe that the evidence is overwhelming now that it’s been presented. Go forth and boycott Dian Fossey and Jane Goodall, and quit believing all that crap that primates are stupid! Or shall I say KOKO BEWARE!
STEELER? I DON’T EVEN KNOW HER …
From Peewee: So I’m spending my Spring Break in Pittsburgh (the next Fort Lauderdale, mark my words) and I was at a frat party, ’cause that’s what guys like me do. Now I imbibed rather excessively that evening at the behest of this not-yet-attractive-but-getting-there-with-every-Iron-City-Light female, and the effort of filtering 20 odd beers through my liver left me a little pooped. As the deejay pumped “Informer” by Snow (I sh!t you not, they still listen to him in PA) I made my way upstairs to find a suitable resting place. After a quick jaunt to the bathroom and a little “quality time” with what I hoped was a female, I found a nice soft pile of coats upon which to take a brief nap. As I drifted off into unconsciousness, biting back the urge to vomit the bag of Doritos I had eaten earlier, Net: Crunch all you want. I congratulated myself on an evening well spent. Soon I found myself having that usual dream of mine which involves a warm bath, a crock pot and that chick from the Doritos commercials (I have a thing for Doritos lately). Net: They’re LOUD. At any rate, the dream was different this time. The water in the tub was not warm but cold, and it smelled of Milwaukee’s Best. I immediately awoke in horror to find that some a$$##o!e had poured an entire can of crappy beer all over me while I slept. My best pair of khakis were ruined!!!! Net: Khakis Stink. Not only that, but the scum lifted my wallet. Fortunately for the Peester, I had no money and all the credit cards were maxed out, but it’s the principle of the thing. Right now some stupid little freshman in Pittsburgh is using my driver’s license to illegally buy beer and kiddie porn. Spring break 1, Peewee 0. Tune in tomorrow for Chapter II: Racism in rural PA, or how spring break screwed me over yet again.
