TEN-CENT BRAINS
From Dictionary Girl: Hail Networkia! Is that what you are supposed to say? Net: No, it’s what you are supposed to say. I am a short-time reader and first-time writer. Net: A quick bit of advice: Read only the stuff in bold. It’s much less time-consuming and doesn’t require much emotional involvement. Sorta like masturbation. It seems to me that among all the complaints there are on campus, a couple are being left out — and no, Yudof/tuition/college preference are not included. My complaint is this: What is it with teachers who must use 50-cent words in order to impress people? Net: We empathize with your consternation … umm … we mean, we’re bummed you’re bummed. I find that my professors spend more time remembering their vocab for their SATs then actually saying what they are trying to get across to students … Oh my god, I’m losing my perspicacity! Net: What do your sweat glands have to do with anything? Words like this mean dilly-squat to the average CLAer. Now, I’m not saying to dumb down the lectures … just speak in everyday English that even the freshmen can understand. Net: Well, right there you’ve dropped the bar to an exceptionally low standard. Most freshpeople just take up space … sorta like hairballs in a drain. (Closed circuit to said freshpeople: Consider this a challenge. Stick up for yourselves. Our Network is your Network.) In closing, I would like to say that just because you can incorporate the word antidisestablishmentarianism into a sentence doesn’t make you a super genius. Net: Just let us say that we are semi-firmly quasi-pro-antidisestablishmentarianism.
MULTI-TAPPED OUT
And of that we are almost most certain. GO CLA!!!
From Party Dogg to Peewee: First of all, you CLA loser, you are the one who needs to learn how to party. If you didn’t read the police report on Wednesday, the only two parties that got busted this last weekend were parties that were thrown by IT fraternities. Net: This is the sort of thing of which the pseudo-frats are most proud. They hang the clippings on the fridge, next to the family picture. The Theta Tau party got busted because we wouldn’t let some asshole back in to find the girl he was hitting on. He got pissed because he realized that he wasn’t going to get laid — like he stood a chance, anyway, Net: Yeah, because at the IT frats, that whole “Revenge of the Nerds” mentality takes over, and before you know it, everyone’s scoring with a cheerleader! so he called the cops from his cell phone. Anyone who was at that party Saturday night would tell you that it was the best party that they had been to all year. Net: That’s kind of like saying Earth is the best planet we’ve ever lived on.
I mean, every other “frat” party you go to on campus is a b.y.o.b. party, and you need to be on the guest list or have boobs to get in. What a crock of shit. Theta Tau parties don’t have special requirements for you to get in the door; just show up. Net: Apparently you missed the part in economics class about “supply and demand.”
For those of you who are confused about what the “elaborate multikeg, beer-dispensing system” actually is, I will give an explanation.
We have our own tap system. It has two parts to it. The first part is the beer setup. There is a two-line cold plate in a cooler with a tap coming out the front of the cooler. The second part is the mixed-drink set-up. That’s right, mixed drinks on tap. There is a six-line cold plate that runs six taps. Where else on campus will you find a setup this elaborate? Net: Umm … a bar? I will answer it for you: NOWHERE. Net: Lissen up, freshpeople! There’s a party tonight at Theta Tau, and you’re all invited!
BREVITY IS BEAUTIFUL
Elaborate, multitap keg systems await! That’s right, mixed drinks on tap! Myriad pleasures can be yours! “Just show up!”
INSIDE THE IT MIND
From Mystery Guest: I would like to publicly apologize for missing the protest on unfair welfare policies the other day. I couldn’t get off work. Net: We know not who you are, Mystery Guest, but we like your style.
To Everyone Who Thinks That IT Folks Are Geeks from Shut Up I’m On The F&@king Phone! (a.k.a. That’s Queen Bitch to You): I spent two years in IT (wistful sigh), and I can testify that IT folks want everyone else to think they’re geeks. So, thank you. Net: Reverse psychology will get you nowhere. We’re far too clever for that. We could never believe that IT folks are geeks. Oops. Keep up the good work. Yep, they’re real antisocial geeks. That image keeps the numbers at the monthly ambisexual orgies down to a manageable level. Net: Throw in some ambidextrous ambisexuals, and you’ve got a real party. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go beat my slaves again. They’ve been horribly disobedient lately. And, for some reason, it seems that the more I punish them, the worse they behave. Go figure.
Net: We’ve been patient. We’ve read the letters. We’ve played along. We laughed, we cried, we slapped each other on the back. It was a good run.
But the infighting must come to an end. IT is what it is, CLA is what it is, and the College of Agriculture stinks. EEs are smart. CSCIs are smart. CLAers have issues. It’s time to move on; we hope you agree.
There are so many topics afoot, hiding beneath the leaves, perhaps. Look under your desk! Right there! Next to the gum and the caked-on snot! There’s a topic! Oh! And over there, next to that guy pulling his boxers out of his ass, behind the backhoe! There’s another topic!
‘Tis a wonderful world, Networkia, where the topics stay fresher than Caffrey’s in a can ….
