Net: To leave y’all with a warm angry glowing feeling going into the weekend, today we decided to have an all personal attack day, both letters and comments! HOO-RAY!
STOPREADINGTHIS, PUTZ
From Abbey Someone: After reading ender‘s torturously boring and unfunny entry yesterday, Net: UNFUNNY? IN NETWORK? Go to hell, sir I have decided to ask something of you Net. Net: We’re not your bitch! Go to hell Please, for the love of all things good and pure, don’t accept another entry from an IT student again. Ender, I have never met you, but I know your type. The following generalizations are true of you and all your IT buddies:
1. You look like the comic book store guy on The Simpsons.
2. You wear the same pair of black Wrangler jeans everyday. Notice how they aren’t faded like normal jeans, this is because you never wash them.
3. You have big fat tits. They show through your X-Files T-shirt. Net: You will never find physical love
4. You play “Candyland with Wade Boggs” six times a day. (Hows that for a masturbation euphemism?)
5. You spend more time at The Old Country Buffet than in the shower.
Net readers unite! See to it that no fat-ass, corndog eating, Weird Al loving, Shinder’s shopping, Sci-Fi channel-watching, Net: Your balls smell like oatmeal man-boob-processing, sheep-raping IT student ever graces the hallowed pages of Network again!
From Easy Rider: For three straight days it has rained in Tucson Net: You live in Tucson? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Burn Á and makes this former U of M student or, rather, infrequent class attendee who happened to pay tuition. Finally, the sun broke through the monsoon like clouds and allowed us Wildcats Net: [sarcasm] OhhhÁ I’m a big Wildcat GRRRAAARRR We’re SO scared [/sarcasm] to walk around campus, rather than do the scurry from building to building. Lo and behold, however, my fine morning was ruined by someone I had thought was long banished to the hell in front of Walter Library at my former educational institution: Brother Jed. Net: Maybe if you stopped sinning, he wouldn’t follow your HUGE UNGAINLY NUTS around Christ almighty, can’t you people in the Twin Cities keep this religous zealot from ruining what was shaping up to be a perfect day in the sun. Once again the U of M has let me down and ruined my day. This time from 1,900 miles away. Next thing you know I’ll get a tuition bill claiming that I have been taking classes for the last two and a half years. Net: We doubt you’re smart enough to go to classes here Á
From PopeJohnPaulIII: Before I begin, let me state that we all know Dr. Seuss was the biggest acid fiend since Ken Kesey, Net: At least he had friends, unlike yourself so let’s just bypass that fact for now. I have two questions to place before the Network and its legion of mindless followers. First, are the Whos in How the Grinch Stole Christmas the same as the Whos in Horton Hears a Who? Net: In all our years of Netting we have never heard a question THIS STUPID If so, does that mean that the Grinch lives on top of a mountain on the surface of a particle of dust? That would mean an infinite universe sits atop my desk. Now to wipe them out Á
And what’s the deal with all these women in college? Net: You would ask that question. The deal is: THEY DO NOT FIND YOU PLEASING They should be in the kitchen, anyways. They’re just taking away opportunities from men to enter college and get a real, valuable education. They can’t drive and they can’t reasonably explain themselves. I mean seriously, the only thing that women need to learn is how to watch the kids, and how to have dinner ready when I get home from work damn it. Net: GO EAT A BAG OF HELL Why do we put all these fool ideas in their heads that they can actually do something in the real world? They just get their hopes crushed when they find out men can do the job two times better. They should just make colleges especially for women, like home economics in middle school. They can just learn to sew, cook, clean, and make babies. What else does a woman need to know how to do, aside from please their man of course Á Net: Something you will never experience because of your extreme bodily unpleasantness
From NutSlapMcFatSlapNutSlap: First of all, I want to say how disappointed I am in the lack of pubic hair discussion. Net: Hey, NUTASS, go call your mother and apologize FOR EXISTING Pubic hair is an important topic that needs its place in everyday conversation just as sports, weather and pooping. I have to back all people up who say bald is beautiful. I have been shaving my junk for years, Net: Junk being the key word it looks cool, feels great, and the chicks dig it. Anyone who is not an advocate of bald beavers/bullets needs to only look in the mirror to see a hideous mass of hair covering their beautiful genitalia. And one cannot forget the incredible feeling of purely bald sex, Net: UmmmÁ GO TO HELL nothing compares … try it. Also I would like to add in my feelings on the utter morons of the past few days. Net: Including yourself? ZING! First being the incestual child who writes the Bizzaro comic. The comic about the chicken underground railroad … c’mon now, how stupid are you? Net: We assume this is the question you ask when looking in the mirror in the morning Is taking a real life historical situation that is not funny at all and putting chickens in the people’s places comical? If it is, then you are more demented than I thought. Net: Your shame grows exponentially Also, to the imbecile who wrote in talking about how Dr. Date is suffering from a disease one acquires from working in coal mines? And if you are gonna use a big word, learn how to spell it, it is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis … moron. Net: NARF NARF NARF you know how to use a keyboard. SHOVE IT In closing I will quote a great American hero. Dr. Evils words being, and I quote, “There is nothing a shorn scrotum, it is quite breathtaking, I suggest you try it.” Net: Die
Net: *Whew* That felt good. See you all in two weeks, because anybody who goes to class next week IS A TOOL.
