Dear Dr. Date,
What is it with guys and their first serious relationship? My brother has dated this one girl on and off since high school (he’s 23). The first time they dated, they broke up because he caught her having sex with her ex-boyfriend in the bathroom at a party. So my view on the situation is that she’s a ho and my brother can do so much better. Well, for some reason, my brother decided to date her a second time, and now a third.
My problem is this: After they broke up a second time, I made it well-known that I dislike this girl. I know this is his business and I can’t get too involved, but he’s so quiet about it because my family has never really liked her. I hope for his sake that she’s changed and grown out of her ho-like state, but either way, how can I let him know that I won’t judge her anymore, and we aren’t against his “new” woman?
— For the Love of a Brother
Talking to him would be an obvious place to start. It seems that you are reasonably committed to judging her based on who she is now and not on who she was. When you tell him this, he’ll know whether you are serious or not.
It’s not going to help if you continue to describe her as ho-like and refer to her as a ho. I understand that you think she might have changed, but if you really are going to give her a clean chance then you have to completely forget all that history. She was neither a good girlfriend nor a ho.
People say many things they don’t mean and your words of reconciliation may come across as nothing to him. The best way to prove you are not judging her is to simply not judge her. It’s going to be hard, but treat his girlfriend like a completely new girlfriend. Talk to her, invite her to do things with you, and welcome her into the family. You need to really believe in what you are doing because both your brother and his girlfriend will be able to see through your fake politeness.
This is, of course, only if you really want to forgive this woman and give her another chance. I suspect there’s a part of you that doesn’t like to be shut out from his relationship. As it stands, you don’t know anything about what’s going on. This could be frightening for an overprotective sister. If you give her another chance (or even just act like you are giving her another chance), at least you’ll be there when she screws him over again.
