HOW RUDE! Can you believe the nerve … the gall … the gumption, even, of the Daily? Cutting us off like that yesterday … sheesh!
We assure you, Networkians, that the appropriate people have been sacked, and the Minister of Concurrence has been confined.
Now then … as the end of the (world) quarter approaches, we encourage anyone who will be summering elsewhere to dispatch a final obloquy in the coming days. Summers are slow around here; we’ll print it eventually. And don’t forget to visit us on the Internet at www.daily.umn.edu. We get lonely. Onward, then.
YOU’RE THE BOSS OF ME
From CLA Whore: IT Observer … I can name at least two places you will be seeing a liberal arts degree in the future:
A) Framed and hanging in the office of your boss, and
B) Framed and hanging in the office of the government official from whom you will need to solicit grant money.
Therefore, I suggest the following: Beg for forgiveness lest we throw your pathetic, engineering ass out on the street.
Net: You forgot about C) Unframed, folded up next to the stack of $9.99 Tuesday Nite Family Special coupons in a vinyl-bound server book.
SAMBA IN THE RAIN
From Winks: Good morrow, Net. However, today is a sad day … Net: Speak it, our blue brother the sun is gone, the floodgates have sprung a leak, my girl is no less than a six-hour drive away and all the hibernating hunnies (Amabelle, yo!), including the Sasstress herself, have once again retreated to their Gopher-holes. Net: Gypped, wetells ya! You’ve all been gypped out of proper springtime exposure! AND, as if that weren’t enough to make a grown man cry, I just finished my very last chemistry lab. I do, amazingly, amongst my meandering yet “lofty discourse,” have a few inquiries that I hope faithful Networkians can answer for me. If so, I am forever in your debt. Here goes: Do penguins have knees? Why are there dents in cowboy hats? Better yet, why do people wear cowboy hats? And why is Rhode Island named so when it is obviously neither an island nor a rhode? Discuss. Net: We’re not touching these; Networkians, get busy.
BIZZARRO DISAPPEARANCE
From Disgruntled Magenta: Damn you A&E for cutting out the parts that people actually used (like the movie listings) to leave room for all the uppity I-am-too-superior-to-enjoy-“Star Wars” reviews. Net: It has been duly noted that the world is cloven into two factions: Those who liked Episode One, and sniveling Obsequians. Bite me, A&E, and as long as we’re shamelessly plugging, “The Phantom Menace” and “Rocky Horror Picture Show” both rule — “The Phantom Menace” (and Jar Jar) intended for our inner child, “Rocky Horror” intended for our inner horny teenager. Net: Get in touch with your inner horny teenagers, Networkians. The end is nearer than you think.
THE BUCK DOES NOT EVEN PAUSE HERE
From Psycho: Net … I am frustrated beyond sanity by American society. Net: Easy, Psych … eeeassy … put the knife down and slooowwly back away … My latest gripe is that nobody in this country has the gumption to take the blame for any f##@%$&! little thing anymore. Everybody has to find a scapegoat! In the past week in the news there have been two examples of exactly what I am talking about. Our illustrious governor, Jesse “the Ass” Ventura, recently signed a bill that makes it a felony if someone buys liquor for a minor and that minor is hurt or killed, or hurts or kills somebody else. Net: Or, if that minor buys liquor for another minor, whose incessant drunken ranting causes a relative — as distant as, but not more distant than, a cousin — to incite someone to commit a crime, then the farmer who grew the grain to make the beer can be held responsible. ‘Tis true. So apparently when you purchase alcohol for a person you are also responsible for the way that they consume the alcohol. So if I drink 10 beers in an hour and jump in front of a car because I think that I can stop it, whoever bought the beer is responsible, not me. Net: Actually, natural selection is responsible in that case. If I have one beer, and I trip, fall and break my face, that jerk who forced a Rolling Rock down my throat is to blame! Net: No … Rolling Rock would be to blame, as your “trip” was actually caused by an overactive gag reflex. The second item is the Supreme Court ruling that schools are responsible if they don’t stop harassment of students. THE SUPREME COURT DECIDED THIS!! The last bastion of free, democratic, liberal thought in America has gone awry. I think I have a few lawsuits pending against my high school for the guys that called me a geek and the girl who pinched my ass.
BYCLEXIA
From KC: You know what really ticks me off? Net: Deep Woods Off? No, wait, that’s what keeps ticks off you … Bikers who pretend like they’re cars and ride in the middle of the lane so cars can’t pass them, and then they disobey every law that motorists have to obey like stoplights, stop signs and crossing over lanes of traffic. Net: Let go of your anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads suffering. Make up your mind — bike or car. I swear I’ll hit one of them one these days. That’s my peace.
MEMORIAL TUTORIAL
From Ted C. Williams: Hey y’all at the Net! Net: Great … you again I hope that everyone out there had a great Memorial Day weekend … but just in case you stayed here on campus, that may not have been the case. I don’t believe that many of you out there did, for, as one of the 24 people that didn’t go home for the weekend, this campus was a ghost town!!! Net: It’s time you had some time alone, Teddy. For those of you that did stay here for the weekend, let me send out my strong-felt pity for all of you. I think when the next holiday weekend like this comes around, and us, the people unable to go anywhere for that period, are stuck here, there should be a help line or an SA group (Stranded Anonymous) to help everyone get through it! Net: We would have loved to have helped you, but were off to the races. And like Robbie Gordon, we’ve run out of gas. Good morrow!
