TRICK OR TREATISE
From Aeon: Hey, Net. It’s been a while, but sometimes there are topics that just need a response.
Diva, It’s good to see a woman who knows the value of a warm, creamy spunk-shake Net: Who needs Slim-Fast when you can slurp down a Pete from Pioneer Hall? first thing in the morning. Fellatio is perhaps God’s greatest gift Net: Aside from the remote control. And Astroglide. to the male half of the species: all the pleasure of sex with none of the nasty side effects — like the expectation of commitment.
I feel that it is now my duty to defend the oft maligned “scourge” of men: cunnilingus. First things first: QUIT WHINING! Don’t use odor as an excuse not to kiss the beaver. The smell is NOT that bad; in fact, some of us — myself very included — rather like it. Know why? Net: Because you also like to cover your grapefruit in half-n-half? It means that whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it right. If you really can’t handle the smell, here’s a tip: Don’t breathe through your nose. Net: Two words: Clothes and pin.
Second tip: Hone your technique. They say practice makes perfect, so practice long, practice hard and practice often. Net: Just don’t practice on yourself. Your grades will slip. Though difficult to give, there is such a thing as bad oral sex. Use one-night stands to your advantage, especially when first learning this wonderful art form. This way, if you’re not as good as she had hoped, you don’t have to be embarrassed. Net: You do, however, need to get tested … for something, anyway. Just make sure to learn from your mistakes.
So guys, and women who are lucky enough to enjoy other women (but then again, you already know what you’re doing …), Net: Does that mean you could do a bang-up job of going down on a buddy? Think again. take this advice to heart, and you could bring your girlfriend to heights of ecstasy she’d only heard about in legends. Net: And read about in Cosmo. Instead of screaming for God, she’ll be calling you God. Net: As long as she’s not calling you “Dad.” Ouch! Soon you’ll find that there really is no better feeling than having your head squeezed between two warm, creamy thighs while you taste her wonderfully sweet juice of love. Net: What is this, a Bizarro world-coffee commercial?
Incidentally, Rollerdiva, if you would like to get together to compare notes sometime, ask our wonderful forum for my e-mail address. Net: We are not — we repeat, NOT — a dating service. Check out the City … oops. We take that back. Peace, love and long nights of great oral sex to everyone.
SHAPE UP, SLIM DOWN
From Tweety: In light of the fat article that was in the Daily a couple days ago, Net: We got a 48. Is that bad? I present: “Tweety‘s guide to losing weight.” It’s not that tough.
1) Exercise 20 minutes a day. Net: If you need motivation, check out ESPN 2. ‘Nuff said.
2) Drink more water, less alcohol. Net: Or have more watery alcoholic drinks, like gin and tonic, scotch and soda, or light beer. See, it’s not that tough after all.
3) Eat more fruit and vegetables, less restaurant food. Net: Cut down on the trips to the buffet as well, from seven to, say, five. You’ll be amazed at the results. Also, drink the hot tea … it keeps the grease from congealing in your bowels.
YOU CAN DO IT!!
SUCKINESS SUCKS
From Spark: This is a call to all those who have written in to complain about things that suck. Net: Who, we? Are you listening? You think the world is a horrible, cruel, smelly, dirty place? Well then, dammit, why don’t you do something about it? Net: We might be mistaken, but we believe she just told you all that you suck. I’m not asking you to hang yourself from a building or sit in a wire cage and starve, though these things do tend to attract attention, most of it negative. Set down your chains. Break free of the bondage Net: Now that you’ve got Rolla‘s attention … of consumerism — you know it’s bad when a soda company (who shall remain nameless, but we all know who they are) is ready to raise the price Net: As in, it’s “the real jing?” on a bottle of soda when the temperature goes up. In the words of so many almost-famous people, “We don’t have to take this!” Get your caffeine somewhere else, then. Behold the power of Net: Cheese? the almighty dollar — and what happens when you don’t spend it on what the ads tell you to. Oh, and another thing: It’s time for us to remember the lessons we learned in kindergarten. Net: Oh, sheesh. Another Fulghumite. A lot of us seem to have forgotten some of the basics. When you’re tired, take a nap. Just think how much better the world would be if we all took naps! Net: When you spill milk, squeal like a boiling lobster. Share. Net: Bite the cheeks of your fellow post-toddlers. Play well with others. Net: Play “Doctor” well with others. In short, I’m calling everyone to start the next revolution. It’s about time, and you know your parents aren’t going to do it — they’re too busy sticking it to others so they can get their share. Stop the screwing! (Not the good kind.) Our job is to unite people to fight for good. Now, let’s all join in song … “I’d like to teach the world to sing …” Net: A song which, of course, was bastardized by a certain soft drink company … Peace.
PAGING DR. ‘DIVA …
From Kung Fu Joe: Dude, I know how you can use your magnificent powers for good Net: But why, when evil is just so dang fun? — Replace Dr. Date with Rollerdiva. That would make the column so much more interesting. Net: What, columns about first-date jitters don’t float your boat? Sicko.
Example: Q. Dear Dr. ‘Diva: My boyfriend and I just don’t talk anymore. What do I do? A. Suck his d!*k. Q. Dear Dr. ‘Diva, my girlfriend and I are drifting apart. What can I do? A. Let her suck your d!*k. And try introducing cat tranquilizers into your sex life.
To reiterate; Dr. Date no good, Rollerdiva very good. Thank you and please bring back Elmo. Net: Patience, patience.