Net: A sad event ha…

Net: A sad event has taken place, Net readers, and the dictionary defines it as “Contentious rivalry within an organization.” That’s right, we’re talking about infighting. After we here at Net supported Dr. Date during his recent troubled times, persuading disenchanted Network readers not to berate Dr. Date, to give him time to once again become the sage of all that is sexual, to allow his sparkling, heart-shaped reflector to shine the light of love upon all, after all this, the Doc decided to throw a cheap shot at Network in his Friday column, having the audacity to state that Network would support rape in any form. We apologize that the usually mirthful Net has today become solemn, but this problem needs to be addressed. Coincidentally, our first letter is about this issue!
From WoozyMonkey: I can’t bite my simian tongue any longer..There is a great fishy evil on this campus. Net: You smell that too? It’s still here, even though the Taco Bell in Stadium Village has closed down. He/She/It (who the hell knows?) gives pseudo-useful advice, makes pompous claims, and generally acts like a know-it-all a*shole. Net: This could be any professor on campus. Especially if you’re in cultural studies. I wonder how this scum rose to the top of the heap, with such obvious limited intelligence and charm … His topic is always cliche, his articles are mundane, and his morals and instincts resemble a three-toed sloth who is drunk on wood alcohol. Net: But for $1.50 a pitcher on Thursday nights, you gotta drink it and like it. But if there is one thing more dreadful than the column, it is the oh-so-passe “Dr. Date mixer.” His system of “love nurses” encourages objectification and male-dominant fantasy, and his parties just plain suck: Lame bands, no liquor and just plain silly hopeless people who probably hate Dr. Date as much as I do. Net: This is true. We hear he travels around campus on a golf cart protected by bulletproof glass, not unlike the “Popemobile.”
I don’t know what kind of scum writes in to Dr. Date, but a lot of them are full of sh*t Net: Or at least their Saturns are. They make up stories, and then Dr. Drew…er I mean Date, gets frustrated and angry. Net: This is obvious passive-aggressive behavior. Perhaps Date himself should write in? C’mon Date, while the rest of us work real, honest jobs, you get pissed when people fail to take your bullsh*t seriously. You’re a cut-rate Dr. Laura, a cheapjack Dr. Ruth and a rotten smelly human cancer. Your advise like a 40-year-old virgin with terminal acne … You are truly a swine lost in a trough of slop, you silly sucker-monkey.
From Paterfamilias: So anyway, I was listening to a beautiful five-CD mixer (as opposed to consuming the other type of mixer that so often doomed me in the past), Net: Our favorite mixers are those Dr. Date mixers. If you’re not familiar with these events, imagine all the booty on campus confined in one room for a night! Think of the possibilities. when out of nowhere my music machine decided to play a stunning Wes Montgomery version of “What the world needs now … ” followed by Elvis Costello’s “Whatever Happened to Peace, Love and Understanding.” Net: This is inaccurate. Costello did not originally do this song. Lo and behold, it got me thinkin’ (something I try not to do). Love just doesn’t sell anymore. Net: This ain’t true. We at the Daily have been selling our love for years, if you know what we mean. Sure sex, violence, attitude and aggression sell like hotcakes, but when it comes to true pure love I can only guess as to what went wrong. Somewhere between 1979 and 1980 we just lost it. Net: That is the same year Reagan was elected. This is not a coincidence. I do not speak of love in the individual sense, I speak of love as a worldwide cause. Net: Cause of what? Herpes? Okay, I know it sounds silly, but in the words of one J.C. Mellencamp: “… another boring romantic, that’s me!” Net: Don’t say that about yourself. You’re not boring, only this torturous letter is. I try to be a realist, but reality just doesn’t do it for me. Net: We have a place for people like you. It’s called the cultural studies department. So I declare my mission statement: TO RESTORE LOVE AS A WORLDWIDE CAUSE. I know I can’t do much, but hey, I can try. Net: Try? There is no try.
From Brain of J: Dearest Network, with all the craze about the “summer blockbusters,” I think Net should get in on this gig. Net: We don’t know. We don’t have the chiseled looks, supermodel frame and inhuman greed that you need to be on the silver screen. All we need is a cast, a camera and something to keep us entertained during those long, cold New England nights … wait, that idea’s already been taken. Maybe I should write the screenplay. Net: And we’ll do the spellcheck. The real question, though, is who would play Net. Someone famous, but low profile. Someone mysterious. What do you think, Net? Net: When thinking of someone mysterious and famous, yet aloof, we instantly think of J. Edgar Hoover. I think we can make millions with our story. And don’t forget those steamy nights in Vegas. Net: Hopefully the screenplay won’t be as disjointed as this letter.

From Yngwie: Well, Net, I am fleeing the country. Net: We will too, once Dr. Date comes looking for us. Don’t let his love advice fool you, he’s a deadly killer. I am done with this foul place and have decided that a stint in the Motherland will do me good. Deutschland uber alles! Net: When you’re feasting on a plate of blood sausage and potatoes, make sure you think of Net. So, I must bid a fond farewell to the magical, mystical Networkia. This would be a time for some words of wisdom, but I have none. The great part about Network is that it is inhabited almost completely by idiots, so there is never a shortage of controversy. Net: We agree. So, to sum up: Wisconsin sucks, frats and sororities need to be firebombed, Carlson needs to be destroyed as well, the customers at Sally’s are pigs, drunks are incredibly annoying, Brother Jed should be castrated and I should rule the planet with a benevolent dictatorship. Net: That is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to us. With you gone, Network has lost a great ally.