Wow.
I need to start planning my schedule a little better! After reading Tim Neuenschwander’s opinions piece in the Oct. 3 Daily, I realized I was not optimizing my University career here at Carlson well at all.
In his piece, Neuenschwander calls us Carlson students “awkward mannequins.” Too true, Tim, too true! Here I am wearing Levis and a T-shirt or jersey, and I don’t find out until midway through my second year that I should have been shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch. Boy, do I feel stupid! Most of my colleagues have it worse: They have to wear nice clothes when they go to their after-school jobs. Jobs that have fascist dress codes like: “Wear a shirt with a collar,” “No jeans” and “No face tattoos.” Can you imagine? The gall! Nothing looks more professional to free thinkers like Tim and I than really baggy pants that hang around your knees. You know the style, the kind that was popular in junior high about two years ago? That’s what business professionals should wear. And only Tim is onto this fast-track-to-success secret. How does he do it?
And talk about a revelation: “And why are we going into business? To make money! A lot of money!”
You could have knocked me over with a feather! When my mom’s been asking me why I went into business school, I’ve been saying, “To cure cancer.” This totally explains why I haven’t been signed up for any biology classes. I’m glad Tim was unable to unravel this mystery in only three and a half years. But then, that’s our Timmy, sharp as a tack! Hell, he’s so smart, he writes opinions pieces in class (to which he signs his name). I know his professor must be impressed. Kudos, Tim! You can count on that “A.” I’d take a copy of your masterpiece along on job interviews. (Just tuck it into the back pocket of those Tommy Hilfiger jeans.) Employers love a caustic attitude. I predict high-salary times ahead for Tim.
And what’s up with my classes? Tim said he hadn’t even “touched on the depravity” of his classes. What are the undergrads getting that we aren’t? I went to class expecting crack whores and orgies, and all I got was quiet discussion and overheads. I’m going straight to the dean with this! Where’s my school-sponsored depravity?
A shout of approval to Tim for pointing out the Carlson students “jabbering about the growth of their stock portfolio as they stare blankly at the overly unnecessary stock ticker hanging in the main atrium.” Go, Tim, go! Just because finance people need to use a ticker doesn’t mean they have to impose it on us marketing types. Right, Tim? And while we’re at it, can someone explain to Tim and me why in the hell those medical students are imposing the use of their “medical equipment” on us — stethoscopes, syringes and the like? The next thing you know, accountants will be demanding calculators, and then all hell will break loose.
And one last point before I sign off and run to join Tim at our “Milk is murder” rally: Tim is so right about minority issues! The MBA program is made up of only 35 percent non-whites, compared to the average make-up of the Minnesota population, which has to be much higher than that. How do these racists get away with it? And to imply that blacks, Hispanics and whites have different shopping patterns is just sick! We all know that blacks, whites and Hispanics all look, act and shop alike, and we all have the same values. If a company wants to increase use of its products among blacks, it shouldn’t have to change its marketing. Poor Tim sat in his class with those two lonely Asian women and a “homogenous Caucasian crowd.” I’m glad at least Tim was there when the “lonely” Asian girls confessed how lonely they were. Tim, you smoothy!
And as for that “homogenous Caucasian crowd,” is there any other type? Did I mention that all white people are alike, too? Tim and I might have forgotten to mention that one. Everyone in Tim’s class was the same age, sex, height, weight, political affiliation, sexual orientation and all come from the same city and have the same interests as Tim.
Thanks for letting me share my admiration for my new friend Tim. Please don’t forget us when you’re big and famous, Tim. We might want extra fries with our Big Macs!
James Anthony Snodgrass is a marketing MBA student at the Carlson School of Management. He welcomes comments to [email protected]
