OPINIONS: EVERYBODY HAS ONE
From Demosthenes: Dear Network, I often notice a couple of things when I read the Daily.
1) After reading Network I feel good. Net: Endorphins. I think that this is because you allow various people to express ideas that are generally informative, smart and/or fun. Then you top it all off with witty comments.
2) After reading Sara Hurley’s column I feel bad. Net: Toxins. I think it is because she allows one person (her) to express ideas that are never informative, smart and/or fun. Net: O-p-i-n-i-o-n-s c-o-l-u-m-n. Then she tops it all off by saying, “I have a big chip on my shoulder so I am going to take it out on you whether I make sense or not.”
Conclusion: Sara Hurley’s column should be called, “Not The Network.” Net: A syllogism that could apply to so very many things. Perhaps Ms. Hurley would someday endure our mordant interjections? Nahh …

THEN AGAIN
From Shurley You Can’t Be Serious: I’m still suffering through fits of laughter Net: Embrace laughter. Don’t suffer it. after reading Rollerdiva‘s response to Kristen Meinzer’s A&E article. Methinks Ms. Rollerdiva missed the point of the article. Kristen wasn’t trying to tell people how to be hip. She was just giving a well-deserved ribbing to some of the more pretentious places in Minneapolis. And since I know Kristen is too nice and too busy to write in response to your rant, I decided to for her. Name-dropping is like measuring dicks. (I’m nine inches dammit! Nine!) Net: We know Dirk Diggler! Can we get free parking? Little miss hipster, you assume a lot about Kristen as a person in your letter, without really knowing anything. Johann set up the photo shoot for her in the back of the Lounge; he knew about the article before it was even printed. Because his establishment was one of those listed as ‘hurting’ Net: Duhh, and that means good, right? in the article, I think that if he didn’t have a problem with it, a little employee of the Loring shouldn’t. Net: Rollerskates make you tall. It’s amazing how controversial that article was with people — doesn’t anyone know how to take a joke anymore? In A&E it’s acceptable to make fun of people who watch the WB or do other things that are ‘mainstream America.’ And we all know that the artsy people of the world make fun of mainstreamers, too. Net: And the jocks make fun of the wimps. And the nerds make fun of the dummies. It’s kind of like Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Hell, I do it as much as anyone. But if you can’t laugh at yourself, then you have a problem. You — Rollerdiva — have a problem. Lighten up, girl.
NO PARKING FOR YOU!
From Jackass in the Box: Even though I’ve had the desire before, I have saved myself for a special occasion to write into Network. Net: On Dr. Date’s advice? Anyway, I work in a non-University-associated parking lot where the low rates attract idiots and a-holes from all over the Twin Cities area. The main annoyance is that people are always complaining about the prices and getting upset because they cannot grasp the concept of one dollar per hour. Net: Do they also think a candy bar is $100? Just a theory … As a result they shamelessly and obviously attempt to avoid paying one dollar. Here are some of the excuses that will no longer work:
1. “I am a DJ playing over at Bon Appetit. Net: And I know Rollerdiva. We all get free parking cuz we bring business here, blah blah blah …”
2. “My band is playing here tonight, and the DJ said that we all get free parking.”
3. “I am friends with/sleep with/work for the DJ and/or band, Net: And I know the owner of Whitey’s and they said if I told you that I could get free parking.”
4. “I was only here for a few minutes Net: To give lighting design tips.”
5. “I was just making a delivery.”
6. “I lost my ticket, Net: And I have a nine-inch penis …” (Yeah right, just like ya lost your ticket yesterday and every other day this week?)
7. “I forgot to get my ticket validated but you can call and ask if I was there, Net: And I work at the Loring.”
8. “I forgot to get a validation stamp but I have takeout food — why don’t you believe that I was there?”
9. Lastly you will not get free parking by driving under the gate quickly after the last person. I will remember you. (Girl in the tight jeans whose boyfriend was straddling you as you walked into my parking lot after dinner, if you ever park there again you will be the first person to be TOWED!)


HE GOT AN A ANYWAY
From Ace Boone: Forgive me Network, for I have sinned; it has been four months since my last submission. Net: Welcome back. The other day I stopped by a friend’s house and he wasn’t home. I went into his room, as I usually do, to leave subtle markers that I had stopped by. Normally, I turn all of his pictures around or hang a stuffed animal with the curtain ropes. You know, the subtle markers that let you know things are not right — someone has been there. Well, as I entered his room I noticed his computer was on and he was in the middle of typing a paper before he left. I decided to add a line in the middle of page, thinking he’d proofread the paper before turning it in. I think the line was: “Besides the fact that I’m viciously safeguarding my hidden homosexuality, I must also muster the spine to face my latent pedophilic tendencies.” Well, just after I left, he returned, printed the paper and hurriedly rushed off to class. He turned the paper in without giving it a proofread. Oops! To the TA who read this paper over the weekend: Know that this student is not responsible for that line (though he should lose points for not proofreading), and to him, I apologize.