Network: OneHumpOrTwo; GeekGirl; Merula

>From OneHumpOrTwo

Hola Networko, que pasa? Net: Not much, just maxin’ and relaxin’ as usual. I’m just sitting at work and figured I’d shoot you an email. I wanted to share a little story with you about a net. Not a net like you, but of another breed. On my way to and from work, there is a house along the way with badminton net in the front yard. It seemed like a happy badminton net – two posts and a taut net, all existing in harmony. About a week or so ago, however, someone(s) unknown decided to attack the defenseless net, and on my way to work one morning, I was shaken to see its shattered posts littering the lawn. The net was twisted and laying on the grass. I was shocked. BUT, a couple days ago, it seems the badminton net has risen like a phoenix from the ashes. Its posts have been mended, and its net looks down upon all it surveys. To top it off, the little badminton net seems to have a thirst for vengeance – a note attached to a nearby rock swears it against the miscreants who thought they could tear it down for good. Also, a sign affixed to the net reads, “WHAT NOW BITCHES!” Kudos to you, oh smack-talking net. And I ask of you vandals, WHAT NOW BITCHES? Net: In the words of President-for-life George W. Bush: Bring it on!

From GeekGirl

Hey net! Just wondering, how long have you been sporting the old-school Mac look? Net: Not a very observant reader, are you? We’ve looked like this since the beginning of last spring semester. C’mon, it’s 2004, and we all know only idiots and artists use Macs. Net: Don’t forget querulous fanboys, struggling nonprofits and your mom. And Dr. Date even has color! Are you gonna let him show you up? Net: Dr. Date would have to do a hell of a lot more than that to show US up. I, for one, think it’s time for an updated, WindowsXP look. What do you think? Net: Back when we were just a bug in an early version of Lotus 1-2-3, we said to Bill Gates, “Bill, what you need to do is drop this command line bunkum and get an interface with a look-and-feel that TV-addled Americans can relate to.” If we’d only known a little more about patent law back then, we could be rolling around on a big pile of doubloons like Scrooge McDuck right now. Oh well, as the French say when they’re being especially philosophical: “c’est la vie.”

From Merula

The idiot bureaucrats that run this place really need to get out of their damn corner offices more often. Net: Yeah, send them to the Carlson School of Management, where there are no corners. I was taking the Limited Stop from Blegen today and a middle-aged woman was standing in the aisle next to me. By the gold embossed on her leather portfolio, I could tell she was on the Board of Governors for Twin Cities Student Unions, those illustrious people who made most of Coffman utterly useless to students. Net: What, you object to over-priced, nonlocal, corporate concessions that are only open during high-traffic hours when they’ll make more money? What are you, some kind of terrorist? Anyway, as we pass Coffman, she and her colleague start complaining about how the bus didn’t stop there. Well, of course it didn’t, dumbasses, it’s a limited stop. I tried to explain that concept to them, but to no avail; they keep on saying how it should stop at Coffman, and they should complain, etc. Right, because the bus drivers really want to make more work for themselves, airhead. Maybe if I had been wearing a hideous pantsuit with football-sized shoulder pads they would have listened. Net: It worked for Laura Bush.