Net: Seeing as it’s Tuesday, we here at Network headquarters (situated precariously in a secret room in the top of the BUNGE building, overlooking our dominion) decided we should have an all-personal-attack day! This is in no way related to the fact that we received a great many letters attacking certain people and/or groups of people. So, be sure to wrap our hallowed pages in industrial-grade aluminum foil, ’cause we’re too hot to handle!
Funk this Á
EVERYBODYSUCKS
From Mephistofalafeles: So, SalGood, I applied my experimental “Macrosoft Hidden Subtext Filter” to your letter. Net: Does that come with Office 2000? It yielded the following translation: “I, SalGood, am intimidated by information. When I encounter someone who is obviously smarter (more well-read, wittier, more charismatic, &/or generally superior in intellectual prowess) than I am, I feel compelled to beat my chest manfully & spew droplets of scorn from my pouty, pointy-toothed mouth. Net: It’s all good In this way I hope to prevent myself from absorbing any dangerous spores of knowledge that Mephistofalafeles & others of his tribe might release into the air. I also drive a sports car to distract attention from my small penis.” Net: So, if we drive a Ford Escort, we have a big penis? Bonus! Yes, you, SalGood, are the worst kind of blockhead: You’re proud of what you don’t know. In response I can only sigh mournfully (though not without a haughty overtone or two) & cry out Job-like at the folly of Babylon.
& here’s a cocktail for y’all (Net, please note the word is “&” & not “and” Net: noted): It’s called the “Hitler Youth” & contains only white ingredients: milk, egg whites, sugar, & “White Eagle” vodka. The “Pabst Smear” is another favorite, this one’s a boilermaker with — that’s right — Pabst Blue Ribbon & Smirnoff. Please think when you drink, unless you think it’s all good. Semicolon Users of the World, Unite! Net: We prefer the colon, cause it is spelled the same as a piece of the body that is near the butt. Butts are funny. The Smiths are a damn fine band. Net: Nope.
From Kitsune: Greetings and salutations, Net … How are you today? Net: We’re hungrier than Joe Don Baker in the desert I have an awful complaint … I was in the bookshop today, and there was no help whatsoever! You’d think that they might at least hire some competent, reliable, enthusiastic staff, Net: You’d think they would do that here at the Daily too but I guess the Yu is determined to get away without that, too. Honestly, all the employees are soooo lazy there. They never do any work that I can see. They just stand around drinking straight from their bottles of cheap wine and laughing as poor fools such as I try to find non-existent titles such as “Kurosawa and the makings of post-modern Gothic architecture in Somaliland during the 16th century.” I figured maybe I’d finally buy my books, since it’s the third week of class, Net: We suggest just waiting for the prices to come down at the end of the semester but apparently it’s not to be. Catch y’all later.
From Hentai-Sama: Ya know, the “Professor nod” as ToolametoprovideaName puts it is a “professional courtesy” that I’m glad that I’m a long way from ever learning, if ever. Net: Then you shall never succeed The self-aggrandizing patter of that entire letter seems to point to an insecure OLD NODDER who needs to console himself over the fact that he is competing and probably coming in behind people half his age. I’m sure his associate’s degree was quite advanced 16 years ago, Net: In phrenology? but times do change, and we’re going to be picking your nursing home.
Now, enough with the OLD NODDER. It’s probably time for his medication as it is. Net: Xenadrine? What the bloody hell is up with you northern people? They are water fountains for those of you from Wisconsin, not bubblers. How come it’s such a pain to get a decent hot salsa around here? And what is up with these traffic lights on exit ramps? Net: We just like to prepare ahead for future intersections Are you people scared of hot food? Has lutefisk spoiled you from the joys of burning your mouths and crying for your mothers? Net: No, that would be the lefsa I’m from the south, and I gotta confess … y’all just don’t make any sense sometimes.
From Mulad: Hey Net. Why does it seem that some of the Campus Connector bus drivers don’t seem to understand that there are numbers between 0 and 30? With the way they start and stop, you’d think they were part of the Mariucci Death Squad. Net: HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY Oh well, I’ll just have to hold on tight.
On a very different topic, I finally discovered what those “I’m 45” ads on buses and at bus stops are all about — Channel 5 (owner of 9 different TV stations and all sorts of other stuff) brings you an “Independent” TV station — KSTC 45. Right now, it’s basically a channel for more ads (a lot of paid commercial programming) Net: Are they the ones who have the guys who sell sports memorabilia and appear to have injected liquid cocaine in their eyeballs? and Judge Joe/Jane shows. Oh well, I hope there’s a chance that it can turn into an irreverent TV station, like 23 was years before it turned into the local Wayans Brothers Network stronghold. (You may recall that MST3K started on 23.) Net: Joel was always better than Mike.
From Albatross: I would like to take a moment to complain. It seems about every other day, an otherwise grand section of the Daily is littered by a sloppy, often incoherent comic. I have compiled volumes of survey data Net: Statistics are so easy to skew and the general feeling is that “Caseous” sucks. What bothers me most is that I know Mr. Melcher can do better. His drawings are often featured in articles elsewhere in the daily and these reflect some thought and effort. Net: Unlike said articles However, “Caseous” always appears to be a last minute creation that was scribbled with a Bic in the back seat of a bus. Net: Oh give him a break, he probably uses a Uni-Ball The Duplex is funny. Net: Eh? Bizarro is funny. Net: Zuh? Caseous is not. I am in the process of trying to do better. Net: Anybody remember a little comic called “Cyber-destruction” from last semesters final issue?
