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22 columns about everything

This is my last column of the scholastic year. I’m not about to get all maudlin and bid you, the readers, a tearful goodbye; I just wish that I was blessed with more space to write today, as I’ve still got plenty of complaining to do. And so, I’m ripping off the greatest television show of our time, “The Simpsons,” and cramming all 22 columns into one.

Glen Mason’s Gophers football teams still haven’t won anything even mildly important. On the other hand, for the 20 years preceding him, they didn’t win anything – important or not – so I’m willing to give him another chance.

Don Lucia still should get paid more than Mason.

Using that same logic, Dan Monson should have to give money back to Gophers basketball fans. I’m starting to wish for the academic probation years again; the Gophers might have been illiterate, but at least they weren’t a laughingstock on the floor.

Gophers football might set a Big Ten record this season: most quarterbacks on the roster without having one who can throw.

Cristian Guzman is the least valuable player in the American League.

I would trade Jacque Jones for a new set of bases.

Meanwhile, Lew Ford is my new hero.

Thank goodness for the American League Central – perhaps the worst division in all of professional sports.

Ron Gardenhire isn’t much of a coach, but everyone likes him. Tom Kelly could coach, but nobody liked him. Consequently, the Twins are now a close-knit team that couldn’t bunt a beach ball. I’m not sure if this is a good thing.

Could anybody imagine a worse scenario than “Joe Mauer injures his knee during the first week of

the season?” It’s like he’s reliving the first chapter of “The David Clyde Story.”

If “Hall and Oates” ran a pick-and-roll, the Timberwolves wouldn’t be able to defend it.

I can’t wait for the day when we see this headline: “Mark Madsen misses free throw; five fans injured, two critically.”

I’m happy that the Timberwolves won a playoff series, but let’s be honest with ourselves: They beat a team that, at times, was being led offensively by a guy who buys his shoes at Kids Foot Locker.

Someday, the decline of Western civilization will be traced to Barry Bonds. Either that, or he’ll end up being the fifth face on Mount Rushmore. I’m not sure which. It doesn’t matter; I’m just tired of hearing about him.

If Bonds had done what he’s done, but in Minnesota – or in any of the flyover states – would any of the national media have noticed?

Somebody needs to tell the people who run soccer in the United States that they should concentrate less on making it “exciting” (with overtimes, penalty shoot-outs and all sorts of other crap they don’t have in real soccer) and more on getting some marginally talented players over here.

The Minnesota Lynx had a chance to trade up and get Lindsay Whalen. They passed on it. One chance to make the WNBA even a little interesting in Minneapolis, and they blew it. I hope they enjoy getting outdrawn by peewee hockey games.

I’ve enjoyed the Stanley Cup playoffs immensely, but it’s still somehow wrong to have San Jose and Tampa Bay as the odds-on favorites for the finals. It seems like the Stanley Cup should be contested between cities where water occasionally freezes naturally.

I would pay upward of $100 to get the North Stars moniker and logo back for the Minnesota hockey team.

If the Wild stink again next year, do we still have to pretend the team is “building for the future?” I’m tired of “building.”

I hope every day that the Vikings will trade Daunte Culpepper. I say this partly because I’m not convinced he’s a good quarterback, but mostly because it’ll make my friend Shimul crazy to see that in print.

I realized during the NFL draft that I didn’t really care who the Vikings picked, as long as they didn’t screw up the selection process for the third consecutive season. You know the franchise is in “special ed” mode when not messing up on the way to the podium is the highlight of the offseason.

And so there ends my 22-for-one column spree, and there ends, perhaps, my last column ever. I’d just like to take the end of this column to say one thing: Given the chance, I would also trade Matt LeCroy for a new set of bases. Thank you.

Jon Marthaler welcomes comments at [email protected]

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