Net: The recent placidity on the North Ridge has not allayed the concerns of NITWIT, Networkians. Citizen has ordered all operatives to hold their positions until at least the end of July. As for you, keep your eyes open for Obsequian disturbances as the inevitable arrival of King T approaches; report them immediately.
Godspeed; good morrow. Onward, to letters.
FASHIN’ BASHIN’
From The Dromiceius novaehollandiae Net: The Emu on lysergic acid diethylamide Net: On Acid: Heya omniavincitamoricious Network! Am I correct in assuming that the pickings for entries in your hallowed columns have gotten slim ever since spring quarter finals? Net: The Minister of Concurrence sleeps more than 14 hours a day. Your answer is yes. Normally I can overlook a little inanity, but I just have to respond to Dr. Morgan and Captain Pepper. Just what sort of logic were they using when declaring that “there is nothing wrong with Abercrombie and Fitch clothes because — (1) have you ever SEEN their catalog? “Hot sex on a platter?” Net: Does that make it OK for men to order from Victoria’s Secret? So now the fact that a clothing company has the money to hire “hot” models for their advertisements completely validates the consumers’ wearing of their products? Let me suggest an analogy.
Back in high school, when I was rebuilding my ’62 Beetle, I often picked up Volkswagen magazines and parts catalogs. Never once did I drool, “There is nothing wrong with buying from MOFOCO because — (1) have you ever seen the models reclining before their products? “Heavy silicone on a bulimic frame!”
MORE FASHIN’ BASHIN’
From Kidd-O: I just wanted to say bye to all the fine ladies of C-Hall before I leave for what will be a most massive hootenanny in Michigan. Net: Sounds like they will miss you. And by the way, they don’t “throw hootenannies” in Michigan. They “pitch wang-dang-doodles, all night long.” Oh and to set the record straight: Abers##!++y models are not “da bomb,” “phat” or anywhere near “all that.” I feel sorry for people that starve themselves to win the approval of preteen girls and guys.
So get a clue. Don’t be some logo that a dumbass stamps on the ass of your pants — be yourself.
TAKE OURS, PLEASE!
From Rollerdiva: For the love of a higher power Net, you people at the Daily need to give me a job. Net: Waahht? You’re doing it, aren’t you? I mean, I could be spending my precious e-mail estate on the expenditure that the extra-dicey, superspicy fire-eater was by no means an employee of Saint Sabrina’s, but my good friend and fello Loring employee, Doc, who, upon reading the caption under the groovy pic in Monday’s Daily flipped his lid, swearing off bondage and piercing dames for good. Net: Or you could cut back on the esoterica. Of course, so could we. Or I could straighten out that guy, I forgot his tag already, who doesn’t know who Carrie Donahue is! Net: (The crazy Old Navy lady) Longtime editor of Vogue magazine, her decisions often could make or break a career in the fashion industry. She is definitely one of fashion’s highest-ranking officials. Old Navy, in a brilliant advertising stratagem, subliminally suggests through Donahue’s endorsement, that their clothing is the stylinest stuff ever! Duh! Hello!
No! I believe I should be spending my space convincing you guys down at the Daily that I deserve my own advice column. Net: There are many, our beloved Roller, who would claim that you already do. But that would be our fault. We, like many, cannot resist you. But not like Dr. Date, no way! I need his benevolent lovin’ in the form of fellatio tips just like any other hunny at large. My column would be more like Miss Manners, but with lippy attitude. Like, I could explain why people are laughing at you when you wear black socks with sandals, or why, for the love of good taste and decorum, you would brag about your ex-model ex-boyfriend when what you are trying to do is coax those extra cute Centennial boys out of their dorm rooms and away from their Starcraft games so they can ask you out? I’m with Pepper on this one: A true diva makes her guy feel like he’s the most special guy in the whole world!
KING T, EXPOSED!!!
From University Student: First let me say that our list has expanded its horizons — as well as being a place to meet others who are interested in exhibitionism and voyeurism, we now cater to those who wish to be photographed, either in the nude or partially clothed. If you are at all interested in either of these activities, please go to Net: Just a dang minute here! Is this OK to do? MINISTER!?
MOC: Yes?
Net: Can we DO this? Is this legal? Ethical?
MOC: Who cares?
Net: Very good then. www.onelist.com/subscribe/umsx and follow the directions. Confidentiality is assured. Net: Great. Our spies are perverts. What’s next; necropheliac foot soldiers? Sheesh! Now, for the dirt on King T. Have you ever seen “Big Trouble in Little China?” Net: Waahhht, do they take their clothes off? You know how the bad guy can pop back and forth from his immortal self and his mortal (really nasty) self? It’s the same with King T, although his mortal self is really (this won’t be a big surprise) a CSOM student. Net: There it is, Networkians. His secret is out. Every four years (or however long it takes his current host to graduate), King T takes over the body of a freshman CSOM student until he or she leaves the University. Don’t ask how I know — I just do. And his weakness, you ask? Net: He loves buttered scones for tea? His weakness is in his shirts. When mortal, he can wear none but the most perfectly pressed and spotlessly white, collared, button up shirts with Italian silk ties. He is so anal, in fact, that if you are somehow able to infiltrate the confines of his closet and ruthlessly wrinkle each of his shirts (he’s got several hundred, it could take all day to do the job sufficiently) he would be so preoccupied with ironing them that he would forget entirely his plight for world domination.
