University officials suspend school due to attack of puny blood-sucking monsters

Egzad Gerate

A swarm of blood-sucking beasts will invade Minnesota today, experts said.
These fiends are expected to cause allergic reactions and spread disease, public health professionals said. Severe attacks might be fatal.
“Hordes of these monsters will descend on cities, on towns and on farms,” said Fred Bugme, a University entymologist. “We believe they come from the swamps, so St. Paul will be at particular risk.”
These creatures have six legs, scaled wings and a specialized mouth — called a palpus — to better suck human and animal blood, Bugme said.
The female culicidae is the vampire of this deadly species. Little is known about the male, except that he has a short life span and a particular attraction to flowers.
When females attack, they pierce the skin of their victims and draw half their body weight in blood.
At the same time, they inject a substance that causes an allergic reaction in most humans. This substance can also carry deadly diseases.
Although these creatures can be killed by a hard blow, they travel in swarms of hundreds or even thousands, making total annihilation difficult.
“I felt so helpless,” said Troy Priam, a survivor of an advance attack. “I tried to fight off one going for my left ankle, and another started in on my right ear. I tried to drive that one away, and another attacked my arm. Then there were hundreds of them circling me, making some sort of ominous buzzing noise as they planned their attack. I tried … I tried to fight them off, but there were just too many. It was horrible! I can’t remember anything else.”
Priam, who was attacked at dusk, was saved by his wife, Diana Artema, who dragged her prone husband into their house.
“The creatures were all around us,” Artema said. “They attacked poor Troy in our own backyard. I couldn’t let those barbarians get away with that. I was determined to send them back to their own land, wherever that may be.”
Priam was hospitalized for shock and then released.
“Diana is a true hero,” said Dr. A. Thene. “Without her assistance, well, I just don’t know. It just goes to show how dangerous these creatures are.”
Dr. Sinclair Arrowhead, a researcher at the University’s School of Public Health, advises people to stay inside until the attack diminishes.
“It may be some time,” he said. “We’ll just have to wait and see. The danger may not be over until late this fall.”
University students will not be expected to attend class until this September. Officials hope most of the danger will have passed by then.
“We’re going to keep trying to develop ways to eradicate this menace,” said Bugme. “We must succeed. We must not give into this menace called ‘mosquito.'”