ASTOUNDING & EXCEPTIONAL
To Abbey Someone from: B.Warner015: Normally I would agree that the A&E staff has no f&@king clue what they are talking about when it comes to movies and music, Net: Once you get past their disheveled appearances, gaunt faces and generally malodorous dispositions, they’re really quite nice people but they finally came through with Magnolia. I’m one of the 11 Net: We think it’s up to 12 now, or maybe even 15 or so, judging by the Mononoke-esque multitude of entries we received on the topic … people who actually read A&E, and after who knows how long, they got one right, and then you come along and f&@k it up for everyone by ruining the ending? Net: So, raining frogs is the tie that binds this movie together? Sorry we can’t make it … we’ve got a chimp to groom. Don’t listen to this dumbass; go out and see Magnolia — you won’t be disappointed. One last thing: Since they had German beer at the ballet in Northrop, are they gonna serve 40 ouncers when Method Man comes next week? Net: Yeah, and Yudof will be spinning some def grooves, too.
ANGRY AS ALL GET-OUT
From Billie Joe: Motherf&@ker. Net: Such anger. Such bitterness. You’re consumed with a compulsion to hate — a rawness. Must be a sixth-year sophomore. I hate to open this can of worms, but here’s a message to all Campus Connector bus drivers: I am quietly plotting all of your deaths Net: Not anymore, you’re not. Allow myself to explain myself. I’m standing at the transit lots waiting to be whisked Net: “Whisk” seems a little too merry. Try “dragged.” It really captures the spirit of the University off to Northrop Mall. I needed to be to class in 10 minutes and mistakenly thought I would get there faster by bus than on foot. Net: Witness the joys of public transportation. After 15 minutes of no bus and much cursing, what do I finally see but three — count ’em, three — Campus Connectors in a row. Apparently the CB radios they have to communicate are only for show — a metal facade with a soft, fruity filling. Net: The pukes behind the wheel need another frickin’ snack about as much as Eastcliff needs another renovation. Here’s a tip: Space yourselves out! Oh, and when you’re writing in your logs at each stop, it shouldn’t take an extra five minutes. Net: Irrilliteratacy is a powerful thing … Let the goddamn students on and hit the f&@kin’ gas. Net: Now, now … we’re a (dysfunctional) family newspaper. There better be some changes soon, otherwise I’m gonna start lopping off some heads with the sharp side of my Trapper Keeper. Net: At last emerges an Oddjob for the 21st Century. Oh yeah, and change the clocks in every f&@kin’ building Net: And find this guy his meds, whileyerattit — they’re all wrong.
BTW, A PSA, FYI
From Misguided CSCI Major: Net: Obviously a guy with a lot of friends. Greetings and … yeah, hi. As I was eating my three 99-cent double-cheeseburgers at McDonalds, Net: Jeezuzmaryandjoseph … find an ER, quick! I saw student after student pick up a copy of the Daily Net: We speak for everyone at the Daily when we say thank you for letting us keep our jobs near the USBank cash machine. I thought to myself, what a great opportunity for advertisement … gripe about something, insult a few people and toss in my Web page address at the end, and no one’s the wiser. Net: We’ll see about that. OK, on to my gripe. Every time I head up the stairs of Vincent Hall toward my Calc 2 recitation/discussion/whatever they call it nowadays, I notice the smell of popcorn. Net: The same thing happens over here, in the greater Arby’s-Peking Garden-Minnesota Daily metroplex. It always smells like glazed donuts. It makes us wonder what’s really going on at Centeon. Is there a carnival going on in the building that I just can’t seem to find (then again, it really doesn’t smell like cabbage)? Is this where the lost Mall Preachers have been hiding out for the winter (I sure do miss them)? Net: Nah … they’re kickin’ it down at Lickety Split. Or is there a movie theater in there somewhere? Someone explain this phenomenomenomenon to me. Ahh yes, and now my Web page; the address is Net: Sorry, but you’ve exceeded your limit for advertisements in this entry. You’ve already pitched two places (that don’t need the help), one of which sells food that challenges the very meaning of the word and another that hires Mr. Nice Guy former athletics directors. make sure to buy my game! (It was either this or a 30-second spot at the Super Bowl; just be glad I chose you, Network) Net: We’re only happy if you’re happy. Oh yeah, and to the insanely beautiful girl that sat next to me in Calc 2 recitation, who I’m too much of a wuss to talk to: “Hi.” (That’s my best line.) Net: Come on, love … say hello to the pitiful little computer geek.
THE RELIGIOUS WRONG?
From Blood E. Shame: Net: Didn’t we admonish you for your moniker once before? Tsk, tsk … I’ve noticed a trend in Network that people are still using words like queer, lesbian and gay as if they were insults. Net: Calling everyone “Stinky-Poopy-Butt” just got old, we guess. My God, one would think the Christian Right or good ol’ Brother Jed was behind these entries with such juvenile, third-grade insults. So I write this in order to save the souls of Network readers from appearing to side with these right-wing Christian freaks. Net: Just string some garlic around our necks and we’ll be OK. Let me give you a few points as to what’s so great about gay people. 1) Gay couples can’t have kids! The last thing we need in this world is children. We all despise them, so let’s applaud gay couples for the reduction of their numbers. 2) Porn. Come on, isn’t what makes a good porn a hot lesbian scene? Net: One word: Astroglide 3) Oscar Wilde. Come on, people! We all know a good Oscar Wilde quote. My favorites are “We live in an age that reads too much to be wise” and “I may be lying in the gutter, but I’m still staring up at the stars.” Net: We’ve always liked, “Shake that ass, sista, ’cause Poppa’s gotta train to catch!” So go ahead, God’s Gift to Women, and the likes of you: hurl at me your insults — lesbian, queer, dyke. Go ahead! I’d rather be a lesbian than a supporter of Pat Buchanan. Net: And Mr. Buchanan would probably prefer you were a lesbian as well. Just stay the hell away from him!