From ZRaider: Dear …

From ZRaider: Dear Rufus and anybody else who thinks hating Christopher Columbus is extremely productive: Chill out! Everything will be OK! It’s a wonderful world out there! Net: Yeah, for at least the next four months … Okay, so Columbus wasn’t a saint. It was 500 years ago! Why are you wasting your time venting so much anger? Net: The children of historians! Who will think of the children of historians?! This isn’t really about Columbus, is it? Do you want to talk about it? OK, I understand. But understand that Columbus’ actions were perfectly acceptable 500 years ago. We can’t judge him by today’s standards. Net: Especially today’s fashion standards. Get a load of that hat! Even your precious, peaceful, spiritual Native Americans enslaved and killed, but you don’t hate them do you? Well you shouldn’t! I prithee, go out and enjoy the nice world we’ve come such a long way to create!

WHAT MISERY LOVES
From Messed in the Head: Imagine, if you will, my surprise at reading Petunia‘s response to my rather depressed Network entry from last week. No, it wasn’t so much the content of the response, but rather the fact that there was a response at all. You see my little naive friends, that macabre tone had not before been printed in these fine pages.
Naturally this leads to the question: Who is this Petunia??? Has the mighty Network adopted a new identity in order to torment a lonely soul? Net: We find your lack of faith disturbing, Messed. We would never masquerade as a contributor! Or has Network been passing around reject submissions in the Daily office? Net: HEY! Just because we appear in the Daily doesn’t mean we willingly associate with it. I smell a conspiracy (much like my conspiracy to eradicate as many innocent animals as possible on my daily walk to class).
Despite this mystery, I felt the need to respond to Petunia. While it is true I don’t like people in general, I have found a few I can accept. I call these people friends (novel concept, eh?). Naturally most of them don’t like people either. I guess the point is, if you need someone whose company to barely tolerate, just let me know. Net: We shall keep you all abreast of this budding … ahh … romance?
TRUE LOVE
From Lord Calvert: Oh almighty and gracious Network, the only force whose magnitude even reaches toward your greatness is the inept buffoonery displayed by Messed in the Head and Petunia. These two malcontents display the kind of festering stupidity that isolates human kind from its glorious future: constant orgies. Net: Hey, if there’s enough advanced warning as to the arrival of the King of Terror and subsequently the end of the world (ahem … July 4), we fully expect as much. If the world was one big constant orgy, there would be no violence or vice, just sweet, sweet copulation. Net: Not to mention lots of burning urination! If those two booger-eating donkeyfarts hate everyone so much, they should just do the world’s libido a favor — finish up that computer engineering degree and lock themselves away from the rest of us who are too busy trying to get laid to give a f##@% what they think!
THE LAST OF THE ANIMAL-RIGHTS LETTERS … WE PROMISE
From The Feeble Wookie to Charlie Root: If we are not willing to give up our lives for the rats, why should they end their precious, cheese-eating lives for us? On a similar note, I don’t see any of us allowing a cow to tug upon our nipples at 6 a.m. every day, Net: See: Catherine the Great so how can we justify pouring the cow’s sweet milk on our Lucky Charms whenever we please? No, this “Moos Tower Man” was not a “dumb-ass,” but a hero, indeed. He not only risked the lives of those on the ground below him, but also the individuals whose job it was to pull him inside.

From Enough is Enough: I don’t give a rat’s ass about rats! In fact, ask someone from New York if they think it is a terrible act to test medical theories on rats. They can send us a huge truckload of them, I’m sure! We humans have evolved a little faster then other species, so these animal rights freaks — yeah, freaks — feel we should halt the advancement of our species to wait for the lesser one!

From Meat Muncher: Animals don’t exactly subscribe to the same moral code that we do. You see, with animals, the adage “survival of the fittest” isn’t outdated yet. Thus they would still kill each other for food, steal food from the nice students on the Mall, or even crap on the buildings as they fly by. If they were granted citizenship, these animals would be forced to obey our laws. Therefore, these would-be murderers, thieves and vandals would be forced to stand trial in our already backlogged court system and be sentenced to already crowded prisons.

From Hagatagetcha: We have hundreds of thousands of useless criminals locked up in our prisons; why don’t we start doing all of our testing on inmates? Net: Well, there’s that pesky “cruel and unusual punishment” provision in the U.S. Constitution. I mean, we currently treat these people as if they were kings (or at least better than the shite that they are). Hell, they live better than most people who spend years in the dorms. They get cable, a really nice weight room right in the building, and their food has to be comparable. Net: Did you know that both get grade D meat? Or is that just a lucky guess?

From That One Guy: So let’s say for a second that animals do have rights. Shall we amend the Constitution to include all living things? Comparing the animal rights movement to other human rights movements is a joke. Why don’t plants have rights? Plants interact with their environment, they are able to sense light and they are able to produce their own food (something animals are incapable of). Plants have wound responses; I could go on.
Should someone go up to the St. Paul campus and “liberate” the plants?
Net: ENOUGH!!!
Tomorrow: No plans. We’ll hang out. See you then.