STAYIN’ ALIVE

From Lab Attendant 5000: Bonjour, Madame Net! Net: Bonjoooooooouuuurrr, Frenchy! I’ll agree with you — television is for suckers, but inevitably, we all get suckered in by something on the idiot box. Net: Yes, we admit our one failing, our vice in life. We watch “Antiques Roadshow” on PBS. For my part, I have been entranced by that show “Survivor” on CBS. Net: Our idea for a hit TV show? Sexy twenty-somethings on a beach playing a game show with Regis Philbin while deciphering a love affair between Ross and Rachel. While I am not being paid by said television network, I would feel better if I knew I wasn’t the only fool watching, so Wednesdays, at 7 p.m., everybody! Net: “Antiques Roadshow,” Sundays on PBS!
I love watching the conflict on the show. What a cool experiment. Net: Speaking of cool experiments, what ever happened to those cool junior-high alcohol-burning flames? If all chemistry classes were like that, we’d be pitting oranges, filling them with alcohol and lighting them on fire for the rest of our lives. Not that we aren’t already, ‘cuz we are. You get yourself a group of people, and you screw with their lives until the people get pissed and use mob rule to remove one of their own. Net: Kinda like “Days.” Last week, I was happy to see that evil lawyer-wench Stacey get the boot. She had more negativity that an average Networkian. Net: All we can say is ouch for Networkia. I can’t wait till the end of the series when the remaining victims, I mean “survivors”, get Lord-of-the-Flies crazy on each other. Net: We somehow doubt the roving cameras will be following bloodthirsty pseudo-natives around the island. This is classic television, folks. Net: “All in the Family,” “MASH,” “Cheers.” Oh yeah. Fits right into that little lineup of all-stars. This is way better than the MTV’s “Road Rules” or “The not-so-Real-World.” These are unsuspecting people who have no idea of what they’re in for. Net: Somehow, we doubt they’re unsuspecting. DOH! A camera while I’m fishing in the ocean on this TV show! Whoever survives to the end will need counseling. Net: Kinda like the University of Minnesota undergrad program. Catch ya on the flip side.

JACKASSWRITESIN

From Nasty McShasty: Well, Net, how’s it hangin’? Net: We’re omnisexual and have no idea what you’re talking about. Of course, the first doesn’t necessarily follow to the second. Damn logic class. Short, shriveled and a little to the left here, but I guess it doesn’t really matter since I probably won’t ever need to use my “guy” anymore. Net: Sex change? Not since the old girlfriend dumped me and basically took a big fat sh*t right on my head. Net: Nothin’ like a Cleveland Steamer first thing in the morning.
Now that’s something that you wouldn’t see down there in that silly Dr. Date thing. Net: Bold print? Nah, they’re too sissy for that kind of stuff. Pusses. Oh, by the way, doesn’t that little picture of Dr. Date look like Jay Leno? Coincidence, I think Net: so not. If Dr. Date is indeed Mr. Leno, you couldn’t pay me to take advice from that big-chinned bastard. Net: Wow, that was some unexpected Leno-hatred. Nothin’ wrong with that. If we see another “Leno-on-motorcycles” feature on “Entertainment Tonight” or “Entertainment Weekly,” we’re going to file a harassment suit.
Especially the way he gets all “touchy” with his guests. Great, now I am making myself picture Leno rubbing his guests’ shoulders and arms the way that only he does, while pitching the biggest tent under his desk. Net: Why, on Net’s green Earth, would anybody even have an image like that flash through his/her mind? Why did I just say that? Note to self: Next time, don’t take so many hits off the crack pipe before writin’ in to the Net. Net: We love when drunks write in. Sorry, I am not really myself lately, or maybe I just haven’t been myself my entire life. Net: He just took another shot of 151.
Anyway, I guess the point of this entry (if any) is that I am this pissed-off little guy right now, but hey, ladies, I think I’m rebounding, so if any of y’all want to hook up, I’m available. Net: Your home for anonymous hookups for the past five years. I am sure that every female reading this right now is just drooling over me, Net: Oh yeah, we’re all moist but hey, I really am this super stud who works in this kick-ass science lab, Net: LYING LYING LYING. No such thing! and I always write the coolest stuff into the Net. Believe me, some guys are just like the catch of the day, but I am like the catch of the second. Orsomethinglikethat. Net: Andnowyougottago. Bye.

To Yngwie from Pitoui: I can no longer sit back and watch you try to take potshots at PeeWee. Net: Actually you can, but we need to fill the rest of this space for tomorrow (attention, regulars, attention). At least he’ll have lived four good years of life whereas you will live zero. Net: We hasten to point out that your definition of good might not … ah, to hell with it. You see, Yngwie, I’m sure you make decent money which you will inevitably spend on gold-plated chess pieces instead of booze. Net: Hmmm … Franklin Mint Civil War chess set or vodka? You will marry some moral beauty, at which time she will blow up like a balloon, and you won’t have the balls to tell her because it would be morally wrong … but you love her for who she is. Net: Actually, we hear Yngwie’s girlfriends have all been scorching hot. Some would argue Barbie dolls don’t count, but we stand by him/her (we never said it was a him or her). You will never experience a hummer because your fat-ass wife goes to a Catholic church and considers it sodomy. Net: What does the Catholic church have to worry about Humvees for?
Yngwie, get a life. Get over your social anxiety disorder and start boozin’ and sluttin’ around. Otherwise, before you know it, you will be calling 1-900-PeeWee to whach it ot Net: What the hell is that sentence supposed to mean? all the slutty sorority chicks PeeWee knows. Net: Most people consider that quality to be kind of a turnoff. You will come home from your hard day’s work of polishing some exec’s doorknob, only to find that you no longer have any friends to play Dungeons and Dragons with. Quality over quantity my friend, and I’m not talking about your future wife. Get off your high horse and get high, of course. By the way, PeeWee, if you miss the booze and the sluts, I hear that’s what grad school is for. Carpe Diem. Me Vamos.