From MR. WHATTHEHELL: What in the hell is up with people taking someone else’s ID when its left behind in, say, the copy machine on the second floor of Lind Hall? Net: Your picture; so ravishing … For f**kssake either e-mail the damn person or leave it there. Net: So stunningly handsome … I don’t give a sh** if you indulge yourself with my $2 in copies or snacks, but its a pain in the ass to get access issues worked out on these. New rule: if you find somebody’s ID, you’re an absolute jackass if you don’t allow them to get it back. Net: Cannot … part … with … beautiful … photo …
From Merry Berry Tone of Love: Oh, most powerful almighty Net, only the mighty Gopher Marching Band compares to your magnificence, which far eclipses that of Dr. Hate — erm, Date. I ask you to please print this public service announcement for all the young ladies out there who think that all guys are dogs. I’m a guy who has consoled and advised numerous female friends about relationship troubles. Net: You never get any. The dogs out there are the ones who shop only at Abercrombie and Fitch and drive around in the Lexus their parents gave to them. Net: Getting some. They see women simply as possessions who are there for the taking and easily expendable. The only way they know how to treat a lady is the way they treat their dogs.
The guys who aren’t dogs are the ones who have unconditionally been there by your side through all the troubles. Net: Sounds like a dog to us. They’re the ones who advise and console you. They give you your space, yet are always there when you need them. They’re the ones who remember your birthday and help you forget your past troubles. Net: All in a desperate ploy to get some. ‘Cept it don’t work that way. So I call all the girls out there to revolt! Take up your arms and push the dogs aside and go find the guys you can count on. And if you still must think of all guys as dogs, ask yourself a simple question — which dog would you rather have: the one that is always humping your leg, or the one that curls up by you bringing warmth to a cold day? Net: Hey, at least the leg humper is honest about what he wants … sheesh. Onward!
From Mona: Hello everyone, I come with sad news. I am very disappointed to confess that I have lost faith in the human race. Net: Considering euthanasia? I am the kind of person who looks for good in all, but as I search, I succeed less and less frequently. Net: We’re sensing an astuteness void here … yeessss … you are quite dim … Yesterday I had to witness a debate in my Spanish class that thoroughly angered me. It was about euthanasia. One member of the side who was supportive of the practice suggested it was a good idea because there are many poor people who are not able to pay their bills, and it would be a good way to solve that problem. Net: Heh heh … ahhh … well, we could go with it … Earth to sorority girl!!! I could not believe she had said that — and this was one of her two arguments supporting euthanasia. I wanted to puke. People are so ignorant! If I had one wish, it would be that people open their eyes and see what they are doing to the oppressed in this world. Net: Thank you, Miss Idaho … and now it’s time for the swimsuit competition! Onnnwaaaaard!
From Bixter: I am very worried about the coming of the new millennium. Net: No kidding? We’re worried about the coming weeks … It seems that many things are changing as the year 2000 creeps closer and closer. The most concerning of all the things, however, is the falling quality of children’s fruit-flavored breakfast cereals. Net: This is big. When I was but a lad, I enjoyed many bowls of Froot Loops, Trix and Fruity Pebbles. They were less favorable as compared to anything with marshmallows and chocolate, I admit. But they were very good the times I had them. They had their place. But, alas, everything has changed! What is this blue ring of stale starch doing in my Froot Loops? Net: Dude! You’ve been pouring milk on Lifesavers! These blue loops are ruining the whole bowl of cereal! What an awful taste they produce! And not having the determination I had when I was little, I do not spend the time to pick out this hated blue hoop. Ahhh, Trix, always with the marketing ploy. Now, instead of colored balls of fruit flavor we have fruit shapes. Fruit shapes! If I wanted to eat something in a fruit shape I would eat real fruit! Net: Naahh. Doesn’t make that sugary sludge at the bottom of your bowl. It seems they must have changed the recipe to Trix when they changed the shape, because they now taste awful. Finally, we come to Fruity Pebbles. But what is this? It has stayed the same! Instead of going for the new colors and change in shape, Fruity Pebbles have stayed the same. I think there is a moral here. When you have a cartoon rip-off of the Honeymooners advertising your cereal you do not need to change anything. Net: It’s a stretch … Some things are best left unchanged.
]From Lil’ D: Oh most wise and noble Network, lend me your ear. Net: We’re kinda busy with it, but … OK. I think all this crazy weed I’ve been smoking has irreparably f’d up my head, and I’m having trouble discerning fantasy from reality all over again. You see, my favorite parking spot for my car is giving me a seriously BAD vibe. Net: It’s probably just too close to the Gateway Center. It’s inexplicable, but it seems obvious that if I ever park my car there again, something really really bad is going to happen. A little voice in the back of my head says to take this bad vibe seriously, and the other little voice says it’s completely irrational and I should park my car wherever the hell I want. Net: TWO little voices? Having an argument, even? Wethinks the parking spot is the least of your worries. My question is, if your favorite parking spot started giving YOU a BAD vibe, would you pay attention to it or not? Net: A bad vibe is a bad vibe is a bad vibe. Take the bus.