Only secession can protect U interests

As the University approaches all-but-certain defeat at the legislative funding table, this community faces its greatest crisis since in-class smoking was banned in the 30s. We have, in fact, only one reasonable response to budget-slashing lawmakers. If denied our full $249 million request, the University must secede.
Separation from Minnesota is a drastic step, but the only possible response to St. Paul’s tyrannical rule. We must all do we can to make independence feasible. If the state forces us to leave, the new nation of Skiumah will face several immediate crises. The summer professor and sunshine student will shrink from the service of their school, but those who act now deserve our thanks. We all have a part to play. The first challenge will be that of defense; many are those who would strangle our new state in its crib.
To this end, the physics department must focus its efforts on building a nuclear arsenal. With only a handful of bombs, we would be safe from Minnesota’s aggression. The Board of Regents should select a target for a demonstrative detonation. Lawmakers will take us seriously after we nuke White Bear Lake. Additionally, ROTC students will be called on to defend their new nation. Passive defense offers no guarantees of survival. We must have adequate parking spaces, living quarters and coffee shops. Army cadets will seize and defend Dinkytown, Stadium Village and the West Bank neighborhoods. Skiumah civilians can support their armed peers by looking after the cafes, bars and restaurants in the occupied territories. Civil engineering majors can construct a defensive wall, which we’ll call the Ivory Curtain.
Other basic needs must be met. Nations need symbols. The studio arts department can design our flag; music majors our anthem. College athletics rules don’t allow most international competition, so Gophers athletes can join our new Olympic team. With Skiumah citizenship, high-jumper Staffan Strand will lead our teams to victory at the 2000 games in Sydney. Speaking of athletics, why not go pro? The Twin Cities isn’t a four-sport town, but certainly any self-respecting nation ought to be able to support its own team. So let’s buy the Twins and add some bleachers to the Siebert ballpark.
Other challenges beckon us on this difficult road to freedom. As a new nation, we will need a constitution of our own. This can be the first task of the political science faculty. The agriculture college can set about farming the University’s Rosemount property, offering crops for export to neighboring Minnesota. Other revenues can come from charging a toll to motorists attempting to cross the transitway. Thanks to the wise foresight of Curt Carlson, the business school’s new building offers the perfect site for Skiumah’s own stock exchange. The moribund University Press can come back to life printing our new currency, with fiscal policy managed by the bursar’s office.
Yes, the task is hard and the obstacles many. But the rewards will be only the more worthwhile. No more will we be forced to degrade ourselves by singing the “Minnesota Rouser.” We’ll be free from the tyranny of the state muffin. And, as Skiumah citizens, we’ll all pay resident tuition. The Legislature can take away our funding, but they can’t take away our freedom!