Wonder Bra

Emily Dalnodar

Was she born with them? Are they fakes? Or could it be something else? Something like — the Wonder Bra.
Modern miracle of the 1990s, the Wonder Bra has found its way under America’s blouse and America likes it.
Finally, women who were the butt of lame junior high and high school jokes (“Why are you a sailor’s delight? Because you have a sunken chest.”) can slip on a pair of boobs each morning before heading outside.
Of course, everyone knows that the size of a woman’s chest determines her worth in this highly intelligent, corporately structured world, so leave it to the genius of Wonder Bra to give women a confidence boost where they need it the most.
Why, just think of the possibilities with this baby. The job interview: Two women apply for a job; both are intelligent, personable, and have great resumes — almost no difference at all. Ah, but one has a great chest — thanks to the Wonder Bra — and she gets the job.
The bar: A woman is with her friends and after a couple drinks they all start to dance. The music is loud, the dance floor is crowded and a guy has spotted the Wonder Bra-clad lady. He tries to cop a feel.
Now, while normally the woman would respond with a swift slap to his face, he gets a handful of padding and the woman, protected by this false facade of fluff, doesn’t feel a thing — everyone’s happy.
The good vibes just keep on flowing when sporting a Wonder Bra. But what happens when the trusty Wonder Bra is in the wash and the only support available is the tired old under-wire from the ’80s?
Forced to go out in public in their retired 32 A-B cup, women in this predicament might face a barrage of odd chest stares (as opposed to the welcomed ones) at work, in class or in the bar.
Or what happens when a man, after months of eager anticipation, gets into the bedroom for his first glimpse of his lady’s shapely, perky breasts, and sees in their place a flat barren wasteland (a tumbleweed blows across).
“I wonder’ where her chest went?” the masses ask themselves.
This can be a problem, ladies. What to do?
While there is no sure-fire solution to post-wonderdom, some quick thinking can suffice.
Instant boobs in the wash? Wear a baggy shirt or sweater instead. Does a new boyfriend want to see the goods? Dump him — the jerk! Someone asks why they don’t bounce like normal boobs? Tell em they’re taped down and to back the hell off.
Maybe one day, the Wonder Bra will turn into Wonder Shirts, Wonder Tank Tops and Wonder Dresses. All with built-in breasts, reminiscent of the built-in shoulder pads of the ’80s.
And maybe one day the human race will evolve to a point where appearance won’t matter so much anymore. Men and women will judge each other on love, kindness and intelligence.
But until then, there is the Wonder Bra — cheap, easy, portable boobs.
Finally, someone understands the plight of the flat-chested woman in a curvy kind of world. Thank you, Wonder Bra, thank you.