Network: RiseUpGopher; Marty McFly; PK

>From RiseUpGophers

Hey Net, I wanted to write in to tell everyone of an amusing anecdote from last year. Net: With a news instinct such as that, you should write for the Daily. I was at the Homecoming parade before the game against indiana, feeling the spirit rushing through my veins, when the St. Paul Winter Carnival Princess or something came driving past. She was smiling and waving in a princess-like manner when I noticed that she had a wisconsin headband on and two wisconsin “w” stickers on her dumb cheeks. Incredibly insulted that she would bring those signs of disrespect into an event that is supposed to be brimming with Gopher Pride, I booed her. Net: Attaboy! I booed until she stopped waving and smiling and turned to look at me. I yelled, “What’s with the hat and stickers?” She gave me a blank stare and then continued waving and smiling, but this time she was obviously upset. Now this may not have been as effective as writing a note calling her a bitch and leaving it on her bike, but I feel that I did a great job of alienating her, which is exactly what needed to be done. Net: If we can’t harass ‘Sconnies, whom can we harass? So Gophers, take this story (which, in retrospect, is not very good) and use it as a stepping stone for your exploits in badger bashing. I’m out like…oh yeah, I’m not allowed to do this. Peace. Net: We demand a full investigation into the disloyal outrage at last year’s homecoming parade. How are we going to win the war on terror if we can’t even keep Badger-buggerers out of our parade?

From Marty McFly

This one goes out to the fool on his longboard who nearly ran me over when I was walking across the Washington Avenue bridge yesterday. Bit of advice – learn how to operate that thing before you go out terrorizing innocent pedestrians on your way to class. Seriously, if you don’t have a lick of talent at riding a skateboard, getting a longer one is not going to make you any better. Net: That’s not what the fellows on the e-mail keep telling us. If longer isn’t better, why are there so many products designed to lengthen? I know you and your surfer buddies fall asleep with your collars flipped up and have wet dreams of seeing your picture in a Hollister advertisement, but the truth is your face is more likely to end up on the front end of my fist. Net: Boom! Excuse me Net, I must hop in my Delorean and blast back to 1955 to make sure Biff doesn’t keep his grubby little hands on the Grays Sports Almanac.

From PK

Net, sorry about the confusion over the haiku that I submitted yesterday. To clear things up, I was the one dressed like a Gopher and riding GO BLUE‘s mom. His mother was like a horse becuase I was really layin into her as I was getting my ride on. I apologize, not for riding GO BLUE‘s mom but, for submitting a haiku with such ambiguous meaning. Net: Go Blue’s mom appreciates your sentiment. Or at least that’s what she told us last night. Tentacles! I must say I was disappointed to see that you chose not to print my other haiku that described a biker getting injured. Perhaps since you exist in cyberspace it is difficult for you to comprehend how insanely annoying these bikers are. They could be described as a virus. I am, of course, only ranting about the bad bikers. To those of you bikers who obey the traffic laws when on the road and peacefully lock your bikes to the racks (or sometimes to angry IT people’s bikes) when on campus I say thank you. Thank you for setting a good example for your jackass counterparts who, unlike you, cannot seem to make up their minds as to whether or not they are a car, a pedestrain, or evil kinevil! I laugh everytime I see one of you wipe out. Net: That’s Mr. Knievel to you, pal.