New grads face pathetic future without jobs

Mike Dee

You know those lame-ass features in other papers where they follow people around for a day and find out what makes them tick?

Like when the Star Tribune followed “Minnesota’s kids” and told how they played on the jungle gym and shiznit. Well, who can identify with that? I mean, kids don’t even learn to read until around the fourth grade, do they? So I went out in search of someone everyone can identify with.

He’s taking four credits, unemployed due to the harsh job market and still lives with his parents. His name is Jonny Kowalski. So join me as I follow Jonny through a typical day with nothing but a reporter’s notebook and my exuberant optimism.

8:02 a.m.

I arrive at Jonny’s door on a bright Thursday morning. Maybe the doorbell’s broken, so I knock. No response.

10:36 a.m.

Jonny arrives at Jonny’s door. “Sorry dog, my alarm clock went off and it was that damn Shakira with her ‘Underneath Your Clothes,’ so I shut it off.”

Jonny told me not to worry about my story because he doesn’t truly “get his play on until the sun goes down.”

11:24 a.m.

After two bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Jonny informed me it was time to play some Madden. Further investigation uncovered that Jonny was playing a Playstation 2 football video game. He seemed proud of his achievements on the game.

“I’m playing in ‘franchise’ mode so you can develop players. The computer keeps giving me ‘screw-jobs’ though. Would you believe I couldn’t trade Donavon McNabb for Aaron Brooks? What the hell is that? He’s rated a 99.”

2:37 p.m.

After a spirited session of Madden, where Jonny repeatedly asked the “computer” to remove their collective “diver” from his “sinkhole,” Jonny told me it was time to go to work. We piled into his ’88 Mercury Tracer and headed to Jiffy Lube.

“Yeah man, this is just a job I’m doing for some beer money, you know, until I get some more resumes out.” Kowalski claims he’s having a difficult time finding a real job with his kinesiology degree.

“I want to be a gym teacher or somethin’, but it’s like there’s no openings right now.”

6:30 p.m.

Over the course of three hours, Jonny performed two oil changes and one break check, and it was time to go home. “I told them I can only work part-time, ’cause I still got that one class before I’m officially out in the real world.”

7:00 p.m.

The Kowalski family sits down to dinner. “Are you going out hoodluming tonight?” asked Mr. Kowalski.

“Yeah, I’ll probably call Whitehouse and Dahl, and hit up Grandma’s,” Jonny replied. “There should be a lot of hot sluts there since finals are over now. Plus I heard Jenny might go tonight!”

Jonny told me that Jenny is a girl that he “hooked up with” senior year but then subsequently ended up in the “friend zone” somehow. Jonny wolfed down his Shake n’ Bake pork chops and made phone calls to plan his night’s outing.

10:00 p.m.

Jonny arrives at the bar.

10:02 p.m.

Jonny has a $1 Miller Lite bottle in each hand. As our eyes survey the crowd of drunkenness, he takes time to give me a little insight into his life.

“You know, dude, the way I see it, I live a pretty exciting life for a guy who lives in his parents’ basement. I mean, I made a little money today, played some PS2, and now I’m spending time with friends. I just don’t want to end up like that guy on ‘Office Space’ working for some ass clown.”

2:15 a.m.

As Jonny passes out on the floor of his friend’s apartment, I slip out the back door. They say everyone has a story. After this ride-along report, I think it’s safe to say “they” were wrong.

Mike Dee still hangs out with Jonny once in a while for his insights on life and can be reached at most local ‘U’ bars.