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Ask Amber: I think my roommate hates me

How can I get my roommate to like me?
Image by Bryce Eckman


Recently, I moved into an apartment on campus. In an effort to save money, I elected to rent out a two-bedroom apartment with another student. I love meeting new people, so the idea of living with a potential new friend was exciting to me.

When I met her, though, things immediately seemed off. I’ve been nothing but kind to her, but she never seems interested in what I have to say. She hides in her room almost constantly. The few times we ever even see each other she never initiates a conversation, and whenever I try to talk to her, she ignores me and walks away.

I’m pretty sure she’s been stealing my food, too. Last week I brought home a box of those Target sugar cookies, and they’re already almost gone. I know I haven’t eaten that many of them yet, but I don’t know how to confront my roommate about it. I would be fine with sharing my food with her, but we’ve never discussed it.

What can I do to get my roommate to like me? I want us to be friends, but she seems dead-set on not letting that happen.

Friendly Foe

Dear Friendly Foe,

I think it is understandable that you want to be friends with your roommate. After all, you two will be living together for a while, and it would be difficult to live with someone with whom you aren’t comfortable.

If it seems like your roommate has a personal grudge against you, have you tried talking to her about it? I know she doesn’t seem interested in speaking with you, but you could try writing out a message to her and allow her to initiate conversation on her own terms. Perhaps you have done something to upset her that you aren’t aware of.

At the same time, some people are just not destined to be friends. It’s possible that you have done nothing in particular to offend her, and she just does not want to be friends with you. It’s unlikely to be anything personal in this case. It is also possible that your roommate is not as social as you. She could be shy or not sure how to engage in the type of small talk you’re interested in.

There is not much I can tell you about this situation. I cannot predict what is going on in your roommate’s mind and neither can you. Communication is always key when it comes to these kinds of disconnects between people.

It can be unfortunate to have a roommate you don’t click well with. Even if you two cannot become friends, I assume that you can at least set up an agreement. Start by creating a system for food sharing.

Best of luck,

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