Rampant intake

by Spanky Magee

University researchers announced Sunday they have discovered a link between excessive consumption of caffeine and finals.
The study, conducted by researchers in the Department of Clinical Pharmacology, found students’ intake of caffeinated beverages was directly proportional to the number of finals they studied for.
Dr. Ima Geeke said her findings show that students who studied for more than two finals were 50 times more likely to consume excessive amounts of caffeine.
U.S. Surgeon General David Sachter disputed the findings.
“The government has found no causal relationship between caffeine intake and finals,” Sachter said. “Hell, us non-students drink coffee too.”
Local coffee bars report as much as a 200-percent increase in sales during finals week, despite the 70- to 80-degree weather. Many coffee shops also extended their hours to accommodate all-night study sessions.
The researchers’ announcement has drawn furious accusations (and convulsions) from members of at least one student organization, who are pointing fingers at the Coca Cola company.
“They’re behind this!” shouted Yura Dumass, a member of the Regressive Student Association. “We wouldn’t have finals if it weren’t for the University selling out to Coke, man!” referring to the University’s contract with the soft drink company.
University officials have denied the accusation, claiming that professors must assess student progress by utilizing the finals; one official called Dumass’ remarks “paranoid hogwash.”
Dumass, whose friends said he was exhibiting signs of caffeine-induced hallucinations, collapsed after making the statement. The exhausted senior was later taken by friends to a local psychiatric ward for evaluation.
While other students have been seen suffering from java-induced jitters while studying for finals at local coffee houses, some insist the mass-consumption is normal.
“It’s just part of the whole college experience,” said Iam Soslooow, a ninth-year College of Liberal Arts student.
Soslooow said what he objects to is the rumor that the Board of Regents might enact a policy to ban the substance as an “academic-performance-enhancing” drug. Soslooow said this is this quarter marks his 45th time taking finals at the University.
Geeke said consuming too much caffeine can cause an increased heart rate, the need for frequent bathroom breaks, insomnia and what she calls “the shakes.”
Researchers in the department suggest that canceling finals could alleviate the need for such high levels of consumption.
“It would be much healthier for students,” Geeke said.