Net: Obviously, from the recent letters we have received, U students apparently have only one thing on their minds. It isn’t midterms. It isn’t the state of the environment. It isn’t the fact that Coffman Union has become a huge cash-sucking vacuum cleaner of a building/sinkhole.
It’s sex. Sweet, low-down, dirty, mind-numbing, expensive, wet, erogenous, disappointing, lurid, hurtful, exciting, warm, Kim Milford-esque, satisfying and grade-increasing sex. “Why is this?” you ask? (We heard you) Well, it would take a scientist to explain, so here goes:
College students enjoy making love.
(Any Socio-cultural-hegemonic-historical-eastern-American society doctoral candidates may feel free to use this as their thesis, compliments of the collective.)
FALL LOVIN’
From PAKman: So I’m eating a phat slice of pizza on Friday, when I decide to peruse the rapidly degenerating BackTalk Section. Net: HA! What’s not funny about a dog digging a hole? (See Duplex below) While the quackish Dr. Date whets our appetite by printing questions pertaining to semen stains on bedsheets and seemingly normal women with penises, lately we have had to put up with a severely appalling Net, inspiring everyone to bid on a bloody booger? This is highly disturbing, not to mention unappetizing. Upon reading this, I had to donate my slice of pizza to my friend while proceeding to expel what I had already ingested. Net: We hope it wasn’t Campus Pizza I mean where do you draw the line here? Next thing you know everyone’s gonna be bidding on a slightly bloody piece of turd some sick fuck with hemorrhoids donated? Net: Let the bidding begin! Personally, I suggest we all stick to ‘sex’ as a feasible subject for the Backtalk section. When it comes to other bodily secretions, frankly I’m disgusted! Net: Ask and you might receive
From Chico: Sup nettie? How you doing baby? I just got done wackin’ it and had a few minutes before class to write in. What’s the subject for this wonderful letter you ask? Net: No, we didn’t Well, its what’s all over my hands, Net: Dirt? or at least that’s the result of the subject. Yes, I speak of masturbation. How come no one talks about it, specifically girls? I mean come on Netter, I wanna read some stories about girls doing naughty things with cucumbers and carrots. Net: Yeah, we get SO many of those letters, we thought everyone was bored of them An occasional story about a pickle would be acceptable too. I mean, don’t they say that 50 percent of girls do it and the other fifty are ugly? I’m talkin’ about some hot ladies touching themselves and writing in at the same time. Net: Using the keyboard and “clicking the mouse” at the same time Maybe even a couple quotes would be good … “ooohhhhhhhh chico, I want you bad … ooohhhhhhh.” Wouldn’t that be the life? Actually, if you want more readers, I’d recommend going with The Female Self-Pleasure Story Page Net: We’ll talk to marketing instead of the Network. Not to bash on your “good” page, but what’s more exciting to read about: girls doing a little coochie exploration, or people riding around on scooters? Net: Both of those combined would make a fitting topic Let’s get it together and start getting some hard-ons in class.
From Overjoyed: Sweet Jesus! This is more of a public service announcement than a letter, so listen up everyone: There is a Web site called www.nakednews.com. Net: We hear that this “Internet” thing is gonna be huge I am sure you can figure out on your own what they do there. It is staffed exclusively by Canadian females (they say “about” in that really funny way mocked extensively by South Park) and actually do a fair newscast, not like that matters because they are for the most part quite attractive. Net: “Today’s weather will be warm and moist in southern regions” So I encourage everyone to go take a look-see and make sure the Kleenex box is close by. Net: Always is
From Whitelightning: Wassup Net??? I have a response to Slutnotaslut‘s entry in Friday’s Network. Maybe the all mighty Net’ll get me the hookup so we can meet atop the Washington Ave. Bridge. I’m all about the kinky sex, especially if there’s casts involved. Net: As usual, Net will require photographic evidence After some sweet, sweet lovin, we’ll head on over to the G-spot in the St. Paul Student Center. Net: And go bowling? Á sweet bowling *sigh* I have always wanted to live out that pool table fantasy of mine. Peace out Net.
From Phantoms of the Field: Hola, Aloha, and Guten Tag, oh hallowed Network! First off, we would like to reiterate a point from our last Network entry. The cheerleaders and danceline are still running around like a bunch of Gnu’s in heat. With that established, it’s time to get down to business. We have recently devised a nefarious scheme to make Gopher football a bit more enjoyable. Net: Put it on ice? We hereby propose that select members of the football team Net: Mason? perform a striptease on the fifty-yard-line after the Homecoming game. Here’s the scenario: Right after the Rouser and other such drivel have been played, the Dome lights fade to black and the spotlight is riveted on the 50 yard-line. Next, spectators will see six players (we picked them at random) waiting to put on a positively titillating show. The lucky winners are 7, 23, 28, 32, 3, and just for the hell of it 71. (Goldy dearest, we propose you keep your gopher skin ON. Net: What about the band? Nothing turns us on like a pair of spats and a dickey You will have a part in this, we promise.) Next, the Dome’s sound system starts the music. (We suggest either HBK’s entrance music or Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy.”) At this point, the players start shaking their groove thangs while removing their jerseys and pads. Meanwhile, Goldy is throwing cheerleaders around and Yudof lends a helping hand by running down the danceline with Goldy’s scooter. Then, the players strip off their pants (which in this case are breakaway) to reveal maroon and gold Speedos. We truly believe, in the deepest reaches of our hearts Net: And crotches, that such a spectacle will drastically increase and rejuvenate school spirt throughout the campus. Net, we also believe that Creed plays music shoddily. We would like your enlightened opinion on “Weird Al” Yankovic, as well as that of the collective. Well, have a psychedelic day! Net: Good advice.
From KillTheLuddites: I have in my possession one lost cell phone left by an athletic-looking guy with blondish-red hair in SciCB on Friday afternoon. I will return it so long as the owner of this phone promises to always turn it off before entering class and to never drive while gabbing on it. Please, Network, allow the owner of said phone to contact me if he wishes to reclaim it. Grazie.
