Bye, Bye Birdie

by Joe Kellen

If you haven't heard the news already, the smartphone phenomenon “Flappy Bird” is potentially getting ixnayed by its developer. People are freaking out. While I’ve downloaded and enjoy the game myself, this is good for us, folks. We need this. Why?

1. It's wasting your time.

Now, I know you don’t want to hear this, but this game isn’t just reserved for buses and waiting rooms. I’ve lost invaluable work time trying to get better at this pointless thing and there isn’t even an engaging storyline or characters. Just that creepy, fish-like orb.

2. I mean, do you really want to succeed at this, anyway?

3. It's raising your blood pressure.

Good thing your dad bought you that Otter Box, otherwise your phone would be decimated by now.

4. You're losing control.

Think about people who don’t play “Flappy Bird.” Don’t they seem happier? Are they glowing a little bit? What kind of lotion do they use? (Wow!) Now think about how you look. My fingernails are gone, guys.

5. You're alienating your friends.

If you’ve posted on Facebook about this game…*sigh.*

Get out while you still have the chance.