Sublet my people go!

There must be nine-month leases out there that will let me house my 80 or so kittens.

Mat Koehler

Twelve-month leases can be a lot like girlfriends. They cramp your style, make you get a job, and at approximately eight months in, you can’t stand them anymore.

When I decided to splurge last year and get my own room in a two-bedroom apartment, I didn’t consider how difficult subletting for summer might be. Now, I’m just one of the countless other leasers (including my roommates) stuck with the nearly impossible task of finding someone to sublet. The problem, you might say, is structural.

Those who need a place here for summer will already possess a year lease, or want to continue living here through fall, or simply not want to sublet from a huge loser like me. I can’t win.

And even if I find someone to sublet, I have to give up the $200 “security deposit” I paid the apartment. Fortunately, this same deposit is also forfeited if there is extensive damage in my room. Now I don’t have to worry about all those bullet holes and grenade cavities.

My roommates and I have tried all the usual approaches advertising our apartment’s availability. We posted signs under chairs, on top of buildings, inside our jackets, in the trash, etc. I also posted messages using my computer (right on the monitor). How are people not interested?

In all seriousness, we have really tried hard to get people to sublet. There’s just nobody looking to sublet, thus the real problem. Disagree? Rent my place for summer. It was celebrity-owned!

Good God, I’m getting desperate.

So I might just have to live in my apartment this summer, which is technically OK, because I plan to work in the Twin Cities. But financially, I’d rather live in my friend’s closet for pennies, like I’d planned. Nothing is more frustrating than paying for something you don’t want. I’ve encountered this annoyance time and again in the form of speeding tickets. I can’t believe those little, drab pieces of paper are worth $100. But, I’ve digressed.

Apartment leases should be more like sports contracts. Then, I would be able to “opt-out” after a certain amount of time and have the apartment find a replacement. I know there are nine-month leases out there somewhere, but those buildings won’t let me house my 80 or so kittens.

I swear, you don’t even notice they’re there.

At any rate, one of you readers needs to relieve me of my apartment indenture. If I’m sad enough to write a column about it, I figure it’s only appropriate someone humors me. It’s only $500 a month for a huge, fully furnished room!

Come on, rent from me; I’ll throw in a kitten or two.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]