The Minnesota Daily

All content by Mat Koehler

The secret world of Hot Camp

April 18, 2006

When the weather starts warming up in spring, as it is now, I am always amazed at how rapidly nature changes. The grass turns green overnight, the birds start singing like they have a one-time audition...

You’re afraid of house centipedes

April 11, 2006

I get noticed all the time around campus - but not for being a columnist at this prestigious newspaper. People usually stop me just to complement my intimidating, robust physique and air of competency....

Here I come to save the day

April 4, 2006

Daylight-saving time always has a way of sneaking up on me. Sometimes I am happy to hear about it, like when it ends at 2 a.m. in fall, giving me an extra hour to roll around in the leaves in the middle...

Cows and chickens love being food!

March 28, 2006

With the recent animal-rights debates in this newspaper and on campus, I was shocked and appalled that one important viewpoint was not represented, namely that of the animals. Both Peter Singer's sweeping...

Elixir to the fools, drink of the tools

March 21, 2006

When did energy drinks become the new thing on campus? Our sleepy student population has abandoned coffee and caffeine pills in lieu of this grosser, more expensive alternative. Once again, trend has dominated...

You’re foolin’ yourselves

March 7, 2006

I'm always fascinated by the gullibility of mankind. It seems people believe promises long before they consider rationale. This is why you get chain e-mails that promise dancing apparitions on your computer...

Creating the ultimate excuse

March 6, 2006

Every college student has to miss a class at one time or another. My "one time or another" tends to happen every week, but it's the same principle. Besides, it's not like I skip because I sleep late or...

We have a whiner!

February 21, 2006

Almost every week is one of those weeks for me. Iím not depressed ó itís just that I only focus on the bad things. OK, so maybe I think like a depressed person, but Iím not nearly as big of a downer. I...

Heeey, there ” I’ll be your valentine

February 14, 2006

Feeling a little lonely this Valentine's Day? I thought so. Well, don't get sad " you've got me. I'll be your Valentine. Yes, really! We've been together three years now, and even though my creepy columnist...

I need to step up my game

February 7, 2006

My column last week was a great example of how deadlines provoke poor writing. Well, I suppose that would be shifting the blame " I should just come clean and admit that my last column sucked. Writer's...

The state of the union is half empty

January 31, 2006

The task of having fun on campus has become a real challenge lately. I, for one, could entertain myself for hours with a yo-yo and an action figure, but my friends seem to have more involved social necessities. But...

The means of meeting my first million

January 24, 2006

Unless the University discovers my secret history of academic dishonesty and fraudulent tuition payments, I should graduate on time in May and begin monotonous full-time employment for the rest of my life....

Pay attention, communist liberal slime

December 13, 2005

If you've ever had an impromptu chat with an extreme right-wing conservative nut, you probably escaped the conversation before you got a sense of the rationale. Luckily, I've decided to devote this week's...

The madman in aisle 9

December 6, 2005

Much like my experiences with Laundromats and public rest rooms, grocery stores always leave me frustrated and completely naked. And yes, I'm using naked in the metaphorical, emotional sense " except for...

Don’t worry? I’m Batman

November 29, 2005

Campus crime has become frighteningly prevalent lately, and it seems our police department is too busy busting parties to do anything about it. That's why I've taken it upon myself, a quasi-anonymous columnist,...

My pits, your pits, everybody’s pits pits

November 22, 2005

I've managed to escape most horrific circumstances in my life, namely that humiliating sideshow act in the traveling circus. But now, I'm stuck in a very different prison of embarrassment " one that I...

An angry open letter to Fox

November 15, 2005

Dear Fox Broadcasting Company: Time and again, I find myself watching your television programming with great devotion and enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I was instilled with these zealous qualities because...

We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna die!

November 8, 2005

According to every scientific expert on the planet, the apocalypse is coming soon. And to my dismay, the cause isn't something cool like an alien invasion or a nearby black hole. We're all gonna die because...

Do your own damn dishes, dammit

November 1, 2005

My Como Avenue Southeast house has five male residents, all of whom seem to be relatively normal guys. This is not a good thing. As normal guys, my roommates couldn't care less about cleaning, doing chores...

Please, do NOT riot in Madison

October 25, 2005

Two years ago, I wrote a satirical column about moving our University's homecoming to Madison during Halloween weekend. I sarcastically suggested that we teach Wisconsin a thing or two about rioting, considering...

Hell is a trendy St. Paul bar

October 18, 2005

Some friends and I decided to go to one of those trendy bars last weekend. There's a cover charge for prerecorded music, outrageously overpriced beverages and a fun name like the Wild Onion. Oh, that really...

Livin’, lovin’ and transport violence

October 11, 2005

Cha-splonk! It's something we've all heard while walking through the busy campus thoroughfares - a simple, clunking noise that, depending on the volume and degree of stress, can make people laugh, cry...

Trashing Trudeau, saving America

September 27, 2005

All right, maybe you can sometimes believe the things I write. Just don't believe professional infomercialist Kevin Trudeau, who has marketed everything from cleaning supplies to sets of knives, claiming...

Please don’t believe anything I write

September 20, 2005

Although my column's print-version picture shows me pointing at my head (as if I'm capable of intellectual discourse), my writing hardly follows suit. So after a few years of confusion, hate mail and calls...

What can the U do for me?

September 13, 2005

.That said, our student services fee is nearly $300 in frivolous costs. I've heard arguments defending this high price, describing all the good causes it covers, but frankly, I think we could cut a good...

Optimism is an elixir best served jolly

September 6, 2005

For some people, the world today may be looking more hopeless with every passing hour. Not for me, though; when I think about how grand this year's going to be, I feel downright chipper! The weather's...

I participate in sports inactively

August 10, 2005

It's the dead of summer, and there is no better way to enjoy the weather than by going outside and playing a friendly sports game with some friends. Whether softball, ultimate Frisbee, football, tennis...

C’mon, 21 isn’t old enough anymore?

June 29, 2005

Minnesota Gov. Tim "Turbotax" Pawlenty recently signed a bill into state law making it illegal for 21-year-olds to drink alcoholic beverages. For that kind of activity, our state legislators determined...

Pop music is a national epidemic

June 15, 2005

The state of current popular music is so terrible, sometimes I wish I was one of the insipid suckers who didn't know any better than to listen to the crap. However, I am plagued with enough common sense...

Get bit by the bargaining bug

June 1, 2005

I've only felt completely enlightened two times in my life. The last case came after watching an episode of "NOVA" that discussed the dwindling population of North Pacific sea lions. In the case before...

My little tiff with the Carlson School

May 6, 2005

The Carlson School of Management is simply the best - the best at generating fleets of soulless, brown-nosing yuppies. And yes, that statement might include a reckless, insulting stereotype, but it is...

Sublet my people go!

April 22, 2005

Twelve-month leases can be a lot like girlfriends. They cramp your style, make you get a job, and at approximately eight months in, you can't stand them anymore. When I decided to splurge last year and...

University can’t write

April 8, 2005

As I browsed the official University e-mails I've received this year, I found many of them carried roughly the same startling message: "This University might almost begin to be allocating the consulting...