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Serving the UMN community since 1900

The Minnesota Daily

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The Minnesota Daily

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The means of meeting my first million

I’m destined to be the most impressive moneymaker the world has ever seen.

Unless the University discovers my secret history of academic dishonesty and fraudulent tuition payments, I should graduate on time in May and begin monotonous full-time employment for the rest of my life. It sounds exciting, but I just found out that I won’t be able to find a job in my desired profession. Apparently, our nation has no need for full-time kitten-wranglers.

So, aside from selling my kitten lasso and other accessories on eBay, I don’t think I’m going to be making an income any time soon.

I applied for and received a street performer license for when I become homeless (my act consists of me getting drunk and screaming obscenities at the sun), but before commencement, I’ve got some time for creating plan B.

This is why my friends and I have taken up a sure-fire financial solutions method ” we continuously brainstorm get-rich-quick schemes and million-dollar invention ideas.

And the results of our mental toil speaks for itself. My friend Brandon, for example, surmised that Minneapolis desperately needs a “Freshly Squozen Strawberry Juice” business. When I informed Brandon that squozen is not a word and that his proposal was actually something a toddler might suggest, he confidently proclaimed that controversy like that would make the business a huge success.

Touche, I thought. Brandon immediately got me thinking in the correct mind-set ” the most profitable endeavors often are the most unlikely.

After this encounter, the million-dollar ideas came flowing into my head. (At one point, the ideas literally flooded my head, causing a mild stroke and what my doctors referred to as a pre-success braingasm.)It was then that I knew I’m destined to be the most impressive moneymaker the world has ever seen.

What’s that? Moneymaker is a slang term for ass? Well then, so be it, you imbeciles. I’ve got more important things to worry about now ” like embroidering dollar signs on everything I own.

If you’re wondering why I’m so self-assured in my get-rich-quick plans, maybe I should let you know the idea with which I’m about to strike gold. Ever heard of hotcakes? I’ve been told they sell faster than any product on the planet! Sure, I don’t quite know what hotcakes are yet, but you can bet when I find out and start the business you’re going to want to buy as many as you can afford.

If you’re curious as to what I’m going to do with my immediate fortune, you could probably guess the answer. I plan to retire and sell the company after I get my first $100 million.

With that sum I plan to relax, buy some land in Wyoming and start a small kitten-ranching operation ” you know, just for a hobby.

Maybe I shouldn’t sell that lasso after all.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected].

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