Elixir to the fools, drink of the tools

I can’t help but wonder what drives people to purchase these drinks over other, cheap energy boosters (like sugar).

Mat Koehler

When did energy drinks become the new thing on campus? Our sleepy student population has abandoned coffee and caffeine pills in lieu of this grosser, more expensive alternative.

Once again, trend has dominated necessity and common sense – people are paying as much as $3 for fizzy mudwater in an 8-ounce can.

I see people popping open these vile beverages in all my classes.There are hundreds of varieties of energy drinks, all with cool names and stylish logos, yet they all manage to taste like the same thing: carbonated saliva.

Seriously, I gave a few of them a chance, and I was always shocked at the gag-inducing flavors they put into these supposedly hip concoctions. I tried to “get wings” with the original caffeinated shooter, Red Bull, but I was repulsed because it looked and tasted like watered-down bull urine.

How do I know what that tastes like, you ask? Let’s just say backward, upside-down bullriding isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

When I tried Mountain Dew’s energy offering, Amp, because my friends told me it was delicious, to my dismay it tasted like Mountain Dew. Blech!

I thought I’d go with something a little more familiar when I chose Coca-Cola’s “Full Throttle,” but I must have missed the warning label that explained the beverage was really citrus Alka-Seltzer and saltwater with a hint of blood.

Now, I don’t use caffeine unless I absolutely must (like when it’s Shark Week on the Discovery Channel and the episodes are replayed all night), but I can’t help but wonder what drives people to purchase these drinks over other cheap, convenient energy boosters (like anything with sugar).

Maybe it’s the fact that people my age are the target demographic of the energy beverage industry.

Younger audiences seem particularly susceptible to advertising ploys and products marketed as “cool.” If the product offers a lot with little justification, somehow my age group thinks no expense should be spared.

This explains the popularity of Axe and Tag deodorants, Gillette Fusion razors, Lucky jeans, the Von Dutch brand, Budweiser beer, Bacardi rum, etc.

Whoa, I think I just described a fraternity.

Anyway, I’d like to test the market by putting a cool spin on a new kind of expensive energy drink – something so revolting it just might be cool. Like caffeinated, rotten goat milk packaged as “The Curdled Edge” or amniotic fluid sold as “Bio-water.”

Hmm, that might be going a little far. I’m probably making a deal over nothing again. If I don’t like energy drinks, I won’t buy them, so why should I be concerned?

It’s really not my business to judge. I guess I just care. That’s the only way I can describe it. I’m a caring, decent person. I care so much that I hate everything you like that you like.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]