What can the U do for me?

I want those tuition fees back, or else the U can fund some programs more fit to my liking.

by Mat Koehler

.That said, our student services fee is nearly $300 in frivolous costs. I’ve heard arguments defending this high price, describing all the good causes it covers, but frankly, I think we could cut a good half of the programs and never know the difference.

For example, $90 for Boynton Health Service? Come on ñ I could get better health care surfing the Internet for remedies. Then we have the $58 in “recreational sports” fees, an insane amount considering all the money we must pay to watch or participate in University sports.

I’m even leery of paying the smaller fees, like the 12 cents a student that goes to the “Campus Atheists and Secular Humanists,” the only group on campus formed with no goal and nothing to do.

And jeez, a whole $1.25 goes to “The Wake Student Newspaper”? I’ve seen better writing carved into bathroom stalls.

The Minnesota Student Association gets in on the money pool, too, with about three more of our dollars, going, to inconsequential elections, Carlson resume-building and ritual non-action.

Seriously, I want that money back, or else the U can fund some programs more fit to my liking. Yeah, that’s the ticket ñ how about a separate allotment of personalized service fees?

For one, I wouldn’t mind throwing some money into an anti-squirrel coalition, or at least some sort of squirrel-management death squad. Those beady-eyed predators are easily the biggest threat to students this year, and since I wrote that expose of the terrorist squirrel underground, I’ve been their number one target.

I’d also like some sort of loss-prevention program for myself. Whether it’s a wallet, a baseball cap or a child I’m baby-sitting, I somehow manage to lose things like it’s my friggin’ job. The U would be helpful in supplying me with a counselor who would, ideally, recover my lost goods. I tried getting my student adviser to do this, but I was informed that student advisers’ jobs are limited to providing impersonal, counterintuitive guidance.

My last request, and possibly the most brilliant, is for a campus rickshaw service. I’m sure a number of skilled rickshaw “pilots” from around the world would love to come to our fine University and transport students from off-campus housing to class. It would be cheaper and more reliable than busing, and plus, you’d get extended range and personalized routes. I can almost feel the breeze caressing my hair as I coast through the streets in a luxurious man-powered cart.

These changes are not only welcome, but necessary. Since part of my plan would eliminate MSA, I figure I’ll just become the single governing power at the University, with Bob Bruininks as my pet (picture Dr. Claw and his cat from “Inspector Gadget” cartoons). So until then, fight the power and start thinking of more ways to waste our student fees.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]