An angry open letter to Fox

Fox's constant barrage of idiocy has led to the canceling of its only outstanding show.

Mat Koehler

Dear Fox Broadcasting Company:

Time and again, I find myself watching your television programming with great devotion and enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I was instilled with these zealous qualities because Fox 9 is the only channel in Minneapolis I can get with decent reception.

From your timeless reality installments like “The Swan,” which gave ugly people new, plastic-surgery-induced self-esteem, to your highly touted “Man vs. Beast” episodes that pitted dwarves against large mammals, I’ve been watching, getting dumber all the while.

Your network’s constant barrage of impetuous, overvalued entertainment has even leaked into my local FOX news affiliate.

Last week, I was led to believe the biggest story in Minneapolis was (gasp!) underage drinking on a college campus. This week, that same top-story slot yielded an in-depth analysis of Hummer H2s (actual prime-time hook: “Love ’em or hate ’em, there’s something about Hummers”).

Still, if I disregard your long history of heavily advertised flops, I must admit the Fox Company has hosted a few diamond-in-the-rough programs.

The best of the best I’ve seen is the comedy show “Arrested Development.” With “The Simpsons” jumping the shark in every new episode and “Family Guy” relying on lowbrow, shock-and-awe gags, “Arrested Development” maintains brilliant writing, laugh-out-loud humor and top-notch acting on a weekly basis.

The comedy transcends so many levels of writing and acting that one could watch a single episode over and over and chuckle at something new each time.

Quite simply, I’d like to thank you, Fox, for finally giving me a television show full of substance and exorbitant wit. But don’t get too full of yourselves ” this was how I felt before Friday morning, when I learned you would not be automatically renewing my favorite show. Jerks.

I’ve been muttering curse words and questioning God all weekend, and I’m so disheartened that even the cutest puppy and kitten pictures on the Internet can’t cheer me up (I tried this therapy for hours).

“Arrested Development” was nominated for 18 Emmys in two years and won 12 of them, yet this year, your company hardly promoted it, gave it a horrible time slot and only aired it once every few weeks because of baseball playoffs and two-hour drama premieres.

What’s more, you decided to keep stupid, “look at my boobs” shows like “Stacked” and “The OC” and give the best timeslots to empty-headed, laugh-track-reliant sitcoms like “The War at Home.” You promoted this junky new show more in one hour than Arrested Development was advertised all year.

This week’s episode of “The War at Home” used ” of course ” boobs to attract viewers; the parents on the show decided to award their 16-year-old daughter with breast implants if she did well in school.

Wow. Nice work, Fox ” you sure do know how to pick a winner.

I sincerely hope you don’t change your mind and continue producing “Arrested Development” in the future. You’ve already lost your chance, showing no respect for comedic genius and instead opting for hackneyed sitcom filth.

I can only wish another network (read: HBO) picks up this guaranteed classic and rubs it in your immature, clueless face.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]